Why Is It So Easy To Give But Not To Ourselves

Welcome to Real Life Momz I'm your host, Lisa Foster, and Real Life Momz is a podcast that is all about real conversations, sharing resources, and telling their inspiring stories. Our mission is to connect moms by talking about these topics that parents deal with every day and to continue these conversations in our Real Life Momz Facebook group, where we would love for you to become part of our community. This week is a topic that many of us can relate to. We are exploring why it is so easy to give to others, but not to ourselves. And this week I invited my friend, Christina Monsolino, a mom and a natural giver to help me understand why we do this and what we can do to break this cycle for our children and for ourselves.

Hi, Christina. Welcome to Real Life Momz

Hi Lisa. Thanks for having me.

I am so glad you are coming on the show today and helping me discuss the topic of why is it so easy to give to others, not to ourselves. 

Right? I will help you with this, the best that  I know how, but the topic really resonated with me. So thank you again for having me.

 I have to say, it's funny because this topic came up because you posted, something like, why is it so easy to give to others, but not receive or something like that. Right. I had to discuss this. So let's go back for a second because you're a mom and you have a daughter and you also have a stepdaughter. Is that correct?

I actually have a stepdaughter and three stepsons.

And so you are in it. Yeah. So you're constantly giving.

Yeah. I like hit the ground running giving. I did.

You're such a natural giver. I mean, you to me are someone that just makes everybody feel welcome and you definitely always go above and beyond. So yeah. I mean, you're a doer.

You know a friend of ours, when we were all together recently had said something like, oh, you know, you love doing this gathering. And I said I do.  It doesn't scare me and getting people together or connecting people. It's like, just my jam. Like, I don't mind it. It doesn't frighten me. Um, but that, and then that day that I wrote the post to circle back to what you were saying, I don't even remember what was going on, but it was like rough, like the last, whatever full moons or who knows what, but like that day was a rough one. For some reason, it was just easier to give to others than it was to self-care for me that day. And I remember feeling really weighted and feeling like, wow, why is that? And then when you connected with me to say  this is the one I was like, yup, I'm ready to dig deeper. 

I don't think you're alone. I mean, I think a lot of people feel this way, which is why it resonated so much. And what does that mean to you receive, what do you feel you are looking to receive? It is not so much to receive but much more that when people do try to give I'm like, yeah, no, I'm good. I'm good.

Like, I put a wall up and not like a fake wall, like a smiley face or whatever, but I saw a Facebook post today. Like that someone said, you know, do you need a hug? How are you doing? Are you okay? And I'm like, I'm great. As long as you don't give me a hug for a really long time. And then like I'm not doing the meme any justice, but then someone in the meme gave long hug. And at the end of the hug, the cartoon was weeping. And I was like, wow, I can completely relate to that.

Oh yeah, me too. Me too. Because I think our natural instinct and I don't know if it's a mom thing or our thing, but our natural instinct is it's actually like, how are you? I'm good. Like the superficial, that's all. And it's not a wall. It's just like, I'm good because I don't want to ask for anything. I'm I'm okay. But the minute you take the time to dig in and ask me and question and maybe hold and hug me for more than that one second.

Right. And then it's like, you melt away and maybe it is a wall. Maybe it is a wall and I just don't know it. Right. Yeah. And you melt away and then the truth comes out.

Right. And I wonder if it's because, you know, we always say the same thing to each other, as women, you know, we're going and in life in general, especially now, you know, we're going a hundred miles an hour, dare we stop and really connect. And which is so funny because I love asking people how they're doing and really, you know, what's your real answer. I'm here for you and take the time. But then I don't want to reciprocate that because I don't want to bother people.

Yeah. Cause you are very good at that. I'm going to stop you on that you are really good about asking people and digging deeper and really, and actually wanting to know the answers for some of us, you know, we ask and then we zone out.

Right, I'm going to dig into you a little bit here. No, no, it's all good. Cause we have to dig. Cause there is a reason, right? There is a reason why, if you're in a conversation and people are asking, you're asking all these deeper questions, not the superficial ones that you kind of were like, no,  I'm here. Where is that coming from? Because obviously there's a reason behind that.

For, for me, you know, I guess it's, you know, how our parents were brought up. I mean, I can't be like that kid who like, oh, it's always the mom's fault. Right. It's not the mom's fault, we've all done the best we can. But maybe it is a bit of a generational thing where, uh, you're brought up in a certain way. I'll be honest because I do think we have these paradigms about what we should think of certain things. Right. I do think they come from childhood and I'm not saying that like all, everything is from childhood at all. But, but I do think, you know, seeing my family, they were definitely more giving to us. I didn't necessarily ever see them buy things for themselves. Go do things for themselves. Really, my vision of them was really geared towards helping us out and doing things for others.

And that may have been a generational thing  but I do think that it puts like a paradigm of what is right and what is wrong. Right?

Yeah. It's not like my mother or father's fault, but to their generation, to our generation, if we are similar age, my parents, my father was, it was in the depression and my mom was post-depression so there's a little gap in their years, but they were of the didn't have as much, or literally didn't emotionally give as much because they had other stuff going on. Right. They were in survival mode, like literally, and then come and raise their children.

Right. Here's what we have. Here's how much we can literally give them. Here's how much we can emotionally give, because we've got to adjust, you know, it is like Dory.I love Dory, just keep swimming, just keep swimming. What do you do? Right. So, they just kept swimming. Cause that's all they knew. And that's all their parents knew, right?

I just think they were in survival mode. And in our gene pool, we, you know, it is said that we still have that in our DNA. Right. Fight or flight and survival. So I think, I think that's part of it. And, and I do actually think that's a huge part of it now that we're talking about it and discussing it out loud. And it's not like the therapy chair, you know, my parents, but I think they did their best.

And then that filtered down. And however, I decided in my DNA to interpret it. I did that for myself right now. Let me say this. I do not ever expect that of my daughter.

Like, I'm always saying self care, take care of yourself. How can we do this?  I'll do my best to set her up for success. And breaking the cycles that I was taught like that I've told my husband, that's my goal. Right? How can we like, not just me, but I think I hear a lot of women we know say how do we empower our children? How do we set our children up for success emotionally to get in touch with themselves, to be a good person to themselves first and then to others and have empathy for others and take care of themselves in the meantime, because I think maybe at some point, empathy for others also meant like giving away too much of yourself.

But I think you can have empathy for others without them taking that chunk of you that maybe in the past people thought, oh, if you're too empathetic, you don't have time for yourself, then you've split up too much of yourself. Well, I know that that doesn't have to be the case and teaching our children to do the same.

This is tricky because as I am listening to you, I'm like, oh my God, I'm so glad you, you were saying this and that you've recognized this because I was thinking before, listening to this,  my kids are going to do the same thing that I'm doing because I'm doing the same thing my parents did. I'm giving more to them, taking less for myself. They see that like, what's going to change for them. Um, you know, that's what I'm thinking in my head like, oh, like red flag is going off. You saying that you have recognized this and that's cool.

I'm like, shoot, I missed the goal. Well, I don't think I would agree. I mean, I've listened to stories about your, kids and I don't know if I would a hundred percent agree. I don't think you've missed the mark sister. I think you're doing a great job.

Well, thank you. And I appreciate that. Okay. I know schools are probably listening, but I do mental health days for my kids, because that was one thing that I learned as an adult to do, you know, I was going to work, going to work and I'd work until I got sick and well, then you're off, you're using your time off to be sick.

And I was like, well, if I just take a day off before I am run down and recharge, then I might not get sick. So now I plan those and I can plan those for work, but you know, the kids, they can't, they have school and, you know, they will now say they have a certain amount of mental health days that they can take. And I say, you know, okay, you can use your mental health day, which I'm really proud of, you know, because I feel like that is something I didn't learn until adulthood. So maybe that is something I've recognized and allow them to do for themselves.

So that is good. But I don't know if I've shown them to like really receiving because I think I'm still learning how to receive. Maybe that is the problem.

Well, you know, it's a good problem to have. I mean, it means you recognize it. You know, my daughter just held up a mirror yesterday. I was filling out some paperwork and she was like, well, what do you want to be when you grow up? And she's like, mom, you need to do some soul searching. And I'm like, well, I guess, yes I do. I was like, wow, thank you. Thank you for that mirror. I appreciate you. But I feel like, oh, well, that's perfect. She's aware that soul searching is even a thing. Like, you know, 12, 13, you know, I don´t think that I even knew what the heck was soul searching?

You just kind of existed.

You know, it's funny because I think, I grew up a lot like you, you know, cause I think it was just the generation, but it's interesting because I do now, I'm going to take it back a little bit. I do think my kids see me working on myself. That I do. And I did that much more as an adult, you know, as I got older and things are changing really coming back to what it is I want to do?

And really taking that time to think about it, soul searching. And I think they see me do that quite a bit. So maybe that is also rubbing off on them. So I can also feel better about myself right now.

Yeah. I mean, our self-care, I'm using the air quotes. I don't know what the correct self-care is, but I feel like if we're just teaching them to recognize stepping out, you know if self-care means stepping out of the craziness or stepping back then that's self-care. Right. And if self-care means evaluating how you roll, then that's also self-care right. Do you want to go get a mani pedi today?

And that's a big treat, you know? Or do you want to walk around the lake? Or do you want to just sit, and let's binge our favorite fill in the blank show with four episodes, you know, that being okay.

You know, and not even having like the, you know, you shouldn't be in front of the TV for seven hours. That's bad for your eyes. Well, forget it. Like this is self-care. We need to just sit on the couch, make popcorn and watch four episodes of, you know, Schitt's Creek. I feel like there's so much running. Like, you know, when you're going fast and you're taking care of, you know, driving them to point A to point B, getting the homework done, getting the dinner done, and then, you know, you can go down that whole list, you know? Oh. And by the way, I have to go shopping and, um, volunteer for this and fill in the blank for that.

Um, okay. This self-care means just sitting and you know what you're together, you're forming that memory of like, remember when we went and binge-watch went and did a manicure, went to the mall, walked around the lake, had a long conversation in the car, went to dairy queen, whatever it is, whatever self care looks like, did a massage, like we're slightly indulgent. You know, I do massage just once in a while. And I didn't for all of COVID now I'm like, heck yeah, we're back.

Um, which is so good. I mean, it's so, you know, as a craniosacral therapist, right? Like it is so good to get those things, like I'll go for a craniosacral session because that's kind of my way of getting a massage. And it's funny because I see parents bring their kids in to even just try things. My daughter has had cranial sacral therapy and my son because I've done it with them. Um, but it's not like I bring them around to different therapist. I had this one parent I'll never forget. It was so smart. I  did not go for  massages when I was younger or anything like that to me that was extravagant, you know?

Right.

But you know, now I had this parent who came to me and brought their kid in and I was like, what do you need it for? And they were just like, no, just to try, because I want my kids to know all the options. They have to take care of themselves. And I was like, whoa, that is huge. Like she brought her kids to Acupuncture. I mean, and they wanted it. Wasn't like she was pushing them to do it. But you know, we had a cranial sacral session.

She's done massage with her kids. She's done acupuncture with her kids. She's kind of given them just what is available. And like, that is brilliant and that's a different form of obviously self-care. 

Right, that wasn't, that was like out of my parents' wheelhouse. It was like, it was like food on the table. That's your self-care, right? Yeah.

But let me ask you this, if that was you, right. So if you grew up in a place where your parents were bringing you for pedicures and bringing you to massages and, and just giving you different things right. Or, saying, it's okay to have this or that, um, like just a different, a different way in your paradigm was different. Do you think receiving would be different for you.

Probably.

Now? I mean, who knows? Right?

I mean, who knows exactly. I mean, who knows, but I would, I mean, I would  take a guess at probably only, I guess only because I'm projecting because I hope that doing these things, um, are gonna work in the long run for my daughter as well. You know, chiropractic care. Like I took her very, very, very young to chiropractic care. And I mean, I feel like that's huge self-care as, as well.

So you know what I would say probably because like you said, who knows, you know, for a long time, Lisa, when I was younger, I don't get me wrong. I did self care. Right. And I feel like the big thing, the big shift happened when I got older. Now I'm on my own, you know, um, pay for my own rent, pay for my own mortgage, or now I'm married and we share all the responsibilities emotionally and financially. And then there's people to take care of step kids, kids, grandkids, um, aging parents.

Now there's so much more at stake that you need to take care of. At some point you get lost. So I feel like it was so much easier when I was younger.

Yeah. I can see that.

And then the shifts came with more responsibilities. So that swung the pendulum swung one way and then it's one together now how to make it come to middle ground. Right. And more normal and more accepted that, you know what it's okay. It doesn't have to go all the way left all the way. Right. It just needs to be grounded in the middle of all these things are okay to take care of ourselves.

Yeah. And the financial piece is interesting to me because I find this with myself all the time, you know, kids need something they're joining a sport that you have to pay for, or they need this for school or not for school just because they want it. Right. I'm going, oh, here, let me just lay out that money for you. It's like a no brainer, but take the same financial thing that I would want for myself. You know, the exact same thing, You know, I don't need it.

I mean, what is that? Right. It's obviously had the money because you were going to give it like, without a blink of an eye to your child, but yet you're like, no, it's okay for yourself. And yeah, I feel like actually lately I have to say in the last week or two, I've been asking myself before I say, nah, I've been saying, would I have bought this for one of my kids? And if the answer is yes, then I may do it. Right. T

Right here, Lisa, I say do it now, of course, you know, like within financial reason, but, um, you know, don't buy the Villa in Italy just yet, but you know..

Well, I wouldn't give them, I wouldn't be able to do that for them. Like I'm not buying my daughter a car either, you know? Um, yeah. So it's not that kind of stuff, but it can even be down to like a sweater, you know, it could be simple. It could be something that we shouldn't be really sitting and thinking over. But once again, if it was for somebody else, easier, right. If it was for myself, you know, I don't really need it.

I have a sweater or something. 

Right, right. Oh yeah. Oh, I've busted a move on that lately as well. You know, like have a closet full of like, wow this is like 20 years old, holy.

Cow thing. Right.

You know, it's kind of dated and I get everything old is new again, but man,  I don't know if this will really be right. And, you know, even love that color anymore. Kind of thing, whatever.

Um, let me tell you a story. I was jamming on some cooking for a few days in a row. And I had this one meal in my head executed. The plan was to plate the recipe that was for dinner. And, you know, maybe there was a potato pancake or some kind of pancake or something involved. And I had flipped one of them and I'm like, oh, damn, that broke apart. I'll take that one.

Oh God. We do it all the time. Yeah. Tell me yes. Yes. You take the one that doesn't look pretty.

I took the one that fell apart and then I was like, well, let me also taste it. Cause I want to taste it. I want to season it for different components on the plate. And we love master chef junior. And I'm like, okay, with Gordon Ramsey, be proud. So I plated everything and I literally had like parent plate, like husband plate, daughter plate, mommy plate. And my plate looked very different to me than the other two plates. My husband had a little bit more food on it. My husband had the pretty stuff my daughter had, you know, her, you know how she likes the dressing, the, this, the, that.

And then my husband sits down. We all sit down and we sit down and I'm like, where's my plate. And I look over at my husband and he's like, well, this is so good. And I'm like, that's my plate.

He ate yours.

He ate mine now Lisa, a hundred thousand percent to be fair. It looked exactly the same to him. Right. What would he have been like, what would he have perceived different? Absolutely nothing. Right. But it was, it was because the pieces were different, smaller, not the best looking pieces, not what I imagined in my head. And why was it so easy to give everybody else the pretty piece?

And he didn't care.  He was like, great.

How many other times in our lives are we doing that, and the person doesn't even notice.

Too many.

And  too many, too many times, because for some reason we put so much weight on it or I can speak only to myself. For some reason I put so much weight on it. And then again, teasing it out. I realized, you know, maybe that's like a different generations jam that I grew up with that I had a big chunk to still remove.

Yeah. I mean, I feel like I know my husband does this a lot too. Actually. He always gives everybody the prettier and then he announces it. And when I cook, I feel like I kinda actually, I feel like I kind of have to, I don't know, it's not as innate in me as it is for him because I feel like I have to, because I know he does,  but I have to say I'm super resentful.

Oh my gosh. That's, it's so funny. Not funny, not funny. Right. But I mean, so again, to what we were saying earlier, like if we can at least notice it right. Versus, uh, you know, you're resentful, that's a feeling like we're our parents even resentful. Like, did they, or were there like, no, that's just what we do. Right. That's just what the role of the, wife is in the situation. 

Yeah. And I hear you saying breaking the cycle, like, cause you want your kids to do something different. I think that's important. But I also think like, how do we break it for ourselves? How do we stop? Cause I am resentful. I'll be honest. Like I said, noticing is the first step, which is good. We both noticed, but yeah, we need to work on this. What can we do to really break it? Not just for our kids, but for ourselves. So that we are not always in a position of giving and, and not receiving, I'll tell you what, I'm going to make breakfast this weekend.

And I'm giving myself the prettiest plate ever. And I'm going to see if anyone actually cares. Cause I have a feeling they don't.

A hundred percent.  And I don't know where it happened to me or you that like, we cared about it, but do it, do it take the pretty pancake.

        I'm going to do that. That's number one, number two. What else can     we do to what, what do you think, what else can we do to just be able to receive and feel good about it? You know, feel good about receiving.

One more example and then maybe this will be a number two.

Okay.

I had a friend, give me a compliment and mind you, I will tell my daughter stepdaughter if they're listening, you know, cause God knows I talked too much, but if they're listening, I will say, you know, you listen to it, own it and say, thank you because it's true because someone wants to give you that compliment because they really feel it. If you poopoo it, you are maybe poo-pooing them. And maybe they'll feel like, oh, well was it something I said, right.

Um, a friend gave me a compliment. They said something. And  it took all of me to not self-deprecate. So here's what I tell  as many people as I can don't self-deprecate right. And take the compliment. And why is that so hard? Right. So finally I, what I preached and a friend said, you know, their compliment and  I went and I literally, like, there was like three pages of, you know, stuff in my head And here's what came out of my mouth.

Thank you.

Um, thank you. And do the pages later,.

The pages that are never do the pages or put them in the stinking shredder. I mean, you know why it's so hard to take a compliment or to have that story or not take a compliment or not feel like it's okay to uplift ourselves. If someone says thank you. Because I tell my kids, my daughter and step kids, hopefully, you know, more. So my daughter, cause she's here more than they are, but um, you know, just take it, take the, just say, thank you. Don't throw it in the trash, you know,.

People stop doing it. I mean, like your family say, you know, like they're going to stop giving you compliments if you keep going. Oh no, I don't know. That's not true. You know? Like, nobody wants to give you a compliment then,  like it makes the other person feel bad. Right. Nobody wants to do that and stop. And then that's not good either. Right. I know for me, it's a years, a year. My husband would give me, oh, he's so sweet. He would give me a compliment every day, every day.

And I would just be like, Ugh, you know, but finally, like they kind like faded a little bit. And so finally I was like, wait, thank you. Thank you. It took me years to learn. Thank you and feel it and mean it. And I think it's okay that it's fake at first because sometimes it is like, it doesn't feel real, feel it, but eventually if you keep doing it, it becomes real and genuine. And it's, it's really nice.

So yeah.

That's it. So  that is number two.

That is number two. Number two is thank you. And that they thank you and it's okay to receive a compliment, you know, because people don't just like dish them out for nothing. You know, they will, they give them to you because  you earned it,. And let's do number three because I think number three should be like, you know, I feel like, I don't know if it's a financial piece or just even just, you know, believing in yourself. Maybe it's just a believing in yourself. You know, if you want to take class to do something out of your comfort zone. So easy for me, like, you know, my daughter joined the golf team now. She had never picked up a club. Okay.

 She's like,  you know, we believe in her, she believes in herself. It's so amazing that she has this confidence that she's never picked up anything and apparently on the varsity golf team. Okay. Well, good. Um, but would I ever do that? Like, Aw, no, I can't play golf and no, I'm not gonna spend the money for less. You know, like I would just be like, no, like even if I wanted to do something that maybe is different and out of my comfort zone, like I feel like believing in ourselves as much as we believe in others.

Can we put that as number three? 

I think that's amazingly, I'm speechless. That's that's like perfect for a number three.

Number three. Yes.

And you know, we have a friend and there's like a big, there was, I don't know about how big, but there was like, there's a movement, right. You know, 40 things before 40 or 50 things for 50. And I feel like that is somewhat guys in, you know, I'm not a guys, but giving, give yourself permission to do, like you just said, all those things that we encourage our, you know, our baby to turn over our toddler to take that first step, you know, our first grader to walk into the classroom that much forward, that much motion behind them, you know, give that same motion to ourselves and guiding it in 40, you know, 40 to 40 or 50 to 50 things to do.

Just do it wa you know, we don't give ourselves enough permission, uh, to do these things.

Yeah. And I think being our own cheerleaders and letting others cheer for us.

Yep.

I feel like I'm, I'm a good cheerleader for all everybody. Right. But yeah. Cheering for myself and allowing other people to cheer for me, especially in things that might be a little bit more scary, like starting a podcast. Right. Good.

For you, by the way.

Thank you. You are one of my cheerleader.

I love, I love that you did this.

Yeah. So I think that's the number three. So I think we have some good, I think we have some good insights here To move forward because I, I think this is something that a lot, I don't think it's just moms. I really don't. I think a lot of people, I know my husband, when I mentioned this topic, he's like, oh, the story of my life.

Yes.

And so true.

Yup. Yup. Totally, totally. This would be a Real Life Dad's. I mean,  My husband's a father from when he's like, early twenties and it's been good. I'm having a Hamilton moment. You give and you give and you give, right. So he is a natural, like if there is such a thing, a natural father and then a natural giver, um, and then a natural warrior about, you know, where they're going to go. But then if you give him a compliment, literally I'm like I said, I just said, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And he's like, I'm like, say, say, thank you. And again, modeling it for his daughter. And he has a hard time saying, thank you because I mean, I'm going to guess he's going to hear this podcast. But because receiving is just so much harder because he has been used to giving for so long and he loves it. He's good at it. And he doesn't really, truly like he wouldn't, he doesn't resent it. He's just done it. Um, but, but taking that compliment and taking that, you know, like being able to say, thank you, um, is really hard, is really hard for him.

I'm also married to a giver. So I think what we should say is all the givers out there. Right. We challenge all the givers out there to receive in any way that, that looks for them. Right.

There you go. Laying it down, laying.

It down. Um, so what do you think, is there anything else you would like other parents that might be struggling alongside us to know?

You know, I will say, just give yourself that, give yourself permission, do it a little bit different than maybe if your role models were your parents or your aunties or your care, whatever, whoever's your caregiver, you know, do it a little different if you feel, if it's not working.

And I also feel like treat yourself, like you treat others.

Giving to yourself, and that doesn't mean taking you're not taking away from.

Yeah. I love that. I love that. That's a good distinction that you yourself does not take from someone else. Right.

Right. Yeah. And I think, I feel like for me, like a little bit of that, maybe actually really true as I say it out loud, like it doesn't, it, that's not what it is. Just, just be okay with giving to yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah. Interesting.

I have to say after every conversation I do take away something and, and I have to say, I use the stuff I learned in these podcasts, so I will be taking this information and I will be changing. So I thank you.

Oh yeah. Oh, you're welcome. I thank you.

There, but you did it.

I can do it.

You can. Um, but really thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts on this topic.

You're welcome.

Thank you for listening to this episode.  I've learned so much from our mom chats, and like Christina said, just because we open ourselves to receiving doesn't mean we are taking from someone else. So as we continue to give to our friends, family, and neighbors, remember to give to ourselves as well. If you are looking for advice, resources, or just need support from other moms, join us on our Real Life Momz, Facebook group. We would love to hear your stories and don't forget to follow Real Life Momz, so you don't miss an episode.