Rekindling Romance: Tips for Busy Parents with Marriage and Family Therapist Kayla Crane

To the Real Life Momz podcast. This is a place where we get to take a break from all our to dos and take time to focus on ourselves. I'm Lisa Foster, your host. And today we are discussing rekindling the romance in our relationships. And joining me is fellow mom and marriage and family therapist, Kayla Crane.

Hi, Kayla. Welcome to the show. Hey, Lisa. Thanks for having me. I am so glad to have you because I think this is a really important topic that parents don't normally talk about with each other, right? We kind of vent to each other, but we don't really talk about that connection and rekindling that romance with each other.

So I'm really excited to have you just kind of put some light on this subject for us. Yeah, yeah, I'm really happy. I'm excited to do this so what are you seeing out there? You're a family therapist. You're a marriage therapist. This is kind of like your wheelhouse. What are you seeing out there as maybe the biggest [00:01:00] reasons why this intimacy between couples start to fade over time?

And whether that's like intimacy, like, you know, emotional or physical, like both of those. I think, especially with parents with children, it just that just kind of takes over, you know, kids are they take precedence over everything. And that's how it should be right kids, we need to take care of them, we they need to Kind of all of our attention, but it leaves a little just very little time for our partners and to focus on our relationships, date nights, those kind of all go by the wayside when kids come around and then, you know, It's hard to get back on track because for so long we just are in this like mode, right?

Like, from the second the kids are born, what does the baby need? We're nursing, we're taking care of the baby, changing diapers. And then it doesn't get easier, [00:02:00] you know? It becomes almost like transactional with our partners, right? Like, what are you doing? , and sometimes, yeah, it just kind of slips away. Uh, not intentionally, of course, it's just, practical stuff kind of takes over, I think. I love that. I love the word transactional because that's so what happens. It's like, hey, who's picking up the kids? Hey, can you do this? Oh, what time are you here? What time?

You know, like that. It's all about that. And maybe like when you get home, it's like, how was your day? It's just very surface, actually, that starts to happen, right? Like, I feel like we're just kind of in this survival place. And then when we do have more space, right, as our kids grow and maybe don't need us as much, right, as mine, mine is starting to, I just like drop one off at college.

So I'm starting to really get more space. And now I'm looking at my husband going, okay, now what? But it's true. It's like this rekindling. Like, I don't, we don't even know what to do with ourselves. Like we love each other. [00:03:00] I'm not trying to make this into a therapy session. But like, It's true. You don't, you kind of lose it.

You're like, Oh my God, I forgot even how to. Yeah, actually one of the most challenging times for relationships is when, uh, the kids go away to college or leave the house. A lot of parents are going through raising their kids and they're thinking, okay, when they're, when they're out, then we have time together, but it actually, it's kind of, it.

It's a challenge that transition, any big points of transition in anyone's life are challenging. And that's usually a lot of times when couples come in to see me, because it's, It's like, okay, for 18, 17, 18 years, this is all we've known. What now, how do we like operate as a couple instead of just the parent, you know, instead of being consumed by parenting, it can be really challenging.

So it sounds almost a little bit of a normal thing, that [00:04:00] transition, right, that people do go through. Is there a way in the process, like before you're getting into that empty nest phase, of avoiding that so that we're actually prioritizing our spouses and our relationship? Yeah, I think, just consistently being able to prioritize each other, , but also just being able to come back together.

So I don't know how much it is about kind of getting it up to there, if that makes sense, but it's reconnecting once they're out. Okay. Like let's develop a game plan. How do we get back on track? Because no matter what, it's going to be a challenge. It's going to be a shock, right? You can't expect what it's going to be like, just like you can't expect what it's going to be like when the baby comes.

You know, um, so I think it's a matter of both being receptive to that and knowing this is kind of how it's going to look. It's going to be a challenge. It's going to be different. [00:05:00] And what's our plan? How are we going to reconnect? How are we going to get back on track? And sometimes that's why people come into couples therapy.

, but also there's ways that you can do it, and just kind of prepare yourself, start. Looking forward to it. Making the most out of it. How can we get back on track? Can we plan more dates? Let's really take advantage of this time. I think that's part of the challenge is a lot of times people just go on and The kids are gone, but they're still doing the same thing, you know, they're still consumed by work and they're, they're not using that extra time intentionally to build a stronger connection, if that makes sense.

Oh, it totally makes sense. And I love that you're saying this because it makes me feel so much more. normal, honestly, that you can't really prepare for this. You can't, even though that you can prioritize your spouse along the [00:06:00] way a little bit more, because I think some of us do that less than others, right?

But, um, but this time period where there is more space, you know, inevitably it's going to be hard no matter how much you've Prioritize each other because it's such a big change. So I love hearing that cause it does make me personally feel better. But yeah, exactly. I can see how that like, you're so used to saying, you know, talking about the same things.

And listen, I just sent my daughter to college. She calls a lot and we're still dealing with fires. So a lot of our conversation still is around. her even though she's away. So it doesn't necessarily stop parenting, just for those who think there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Not yet, people. There's a lot of things that come up, but um, but yes, it's still a lot of conversations.

But however, my husband and I have started talking about, and it's fun, like what does that future look like? What do we want to do next? And we have started doing more like, let's go out, kids can stay home by themselves, or they're like totally adults now, they can do whatever they [00:07:00] need to. Let's like reconnect with friends.

So we're starting to see that and start talking about that too. So that's been really helpful. But I love knowing that it's like, we're not behind the eight ball actually. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And I think that's a good point. Right. Having kids away, that creates a lot of anxiety too, right?

They're going to college. What are they doing? Are they going out partying? Are they doing, dangerous things and not knowing what's going on? I think that can be a little bit consuming too. So being able to just recognize and accept this is how it's going to be, I don't Thank you.

It's worth resisting because that's just reality. And I think there will be a, that transition period. And I think eventually things will kind of settle down. You'll get more comfortable with it. , but it is really important to look at it as exciting. This is something we can look forward to, like.[00:08:00]

What can we do? How can we really utilize this time, prioritize each other and just, I think having those open conversations about it, what are our goals? , do we want to reconnect? And how do we go about doing that? Like, how can we really prioritize that? And utilize this time that we might have been using to go to soccer games or taking kids places and doing all this stuff.

Like, let's replace that instead of a soccer game on Saturday, let's go to a nice brunch together. And I think looking for those opportunities that you made, you had to make time before, right. It wasn't an option, but sometimes when it's, You don't have to do that. It kind of, Oh, okay. We'll just kind of relax on a Saturday, but utilizing that time, I think to strengthen your relationship is really important.

Yeah, and I do think like we change so much during these years, right? Like we're different before we're parents, then we change when they're kids, [00:09:00] younger kids, and then actually we change again. Like there's so many phases of our own growth that I almost feel like it's so important to keep reconnecting with your spouse because you both are growing and evolving that you kind of have to relearn each other too.

Yeah, that's a really good point. And, to look at that, that can be really positive. It can be exciting. It can be fun. But still trying to connect throughout that whole process, right? Because if you're so distanced and you're not talking, you're not communicating, then it really feels like, I don't know this person anymore.

It's a stranger. But if you guys are kind of, Growing together, talking about it, really communicating well, talking about the changes that we're seeing in ourselves and the struggles and what we're proud of. I think that can bring our partner in on that growth and that those changes rather than kind of doing it independently.

Yeah. Yeah. So true. So [00:10:00] true. Yes. I, we do that all the time in my house. I'll be like, Oh God, let me tell you about this and what I just learned. And I'm really excited about this. And like he does the same and, and we definitely have definitely different tracks that we are interested in, but we both get very excited and we can listen and support each other.

And I think that's been probably a game changer in our own relationship. Now, if you were about to invent a soup and in your soup, it's a healthy relationship. Soup. What are you putting into it as the ingredients? That's a good question. I've never been asked it that way. It's probably a very typical relationship therapist answer, but it's, um, accurate is vulnerability.

That's like the number one. When people ask, how do we, , keep the romance alive? It's always vulnerability. And. When I get couples coming into me, they've been married for 30 years and they're just like, this is just boring. I don't, I'm not excited anymore. Or even sometimes I'll [00:11:00] hear that, that phrase, I love my partner, but I'm not in love with them.

And, the key to get back on track, it's always vulnerability that's so connecting when you hear, , your partner expressing what's difficult, what they're going through, how instead of them just being angry about something at work, if them real, if they come and say, I was really disappointed that, I didn't get that promotion or I didn't get this important email back.

And I felt a little bit rejected that encourages your partner to really empathize and. Oh, let's come together. I don't want you to feel this way. And so how can we work together to make you feel better, rather than just kind of shutting your partner out. So, vulnerability is key. Empathy, definitely trying to understand what your partner's going through rather than just kind of dismiss it.

Understanding that we're [00:12:00] different people. And so just because., if feeling bad about, you wouldn't feel bad about. You can still try to understand that I am feeling bad. Right? You don't have to try to make sense of the reason why, because , maybe that just doesn't connect with you. So if I was feeling, like I said, rejected because a certain email didn't come through, your partner might say, I wouldn't feel rejected for that, so who cares?

But if they can take that feeling, the rejected feeling, they know what that feels like. For some experience in their life, I, I imagine they felt rejected. So connect in that way. Oh, I, you know, that's really hard. I felt rejected before and it felt kind of lonely. I felt really, unsure of myself or whatever it is.

So you can connect that way, even if you don't agree on experiences. I think that can really, really [00:13:00] strengthen a relationship because you'll really feel heard by your partner and seen and that's crucial, I think also just not, not focusing on being right. Because that won't get you far in a relationship, right?

Cause if there's a fight and you're saying, you're wrong and they're saying you're wrong, you're never going to get anywhere. So like, throw that out the window and focus on, what are you feeling because you felt like they were doing something wrong, right? And then that's where you can work on. That's where that empathy and validation come in.

Even though you don't agree that they're feeling, , Like you're wrong, you can still validate the feelings they have, if that makes sense. And so I think that piece you can't avoid conflict, it's going to happen. But that can shorten the conflict and it can also [00:14:00] increase the, The connection, again, in the relationship.

So you can actually use this conflict to build a stronger relationship. If you can take out focusing on who's right and who's wrong, and then just try to look at things from your partner's perspective, understand how they're feeling. I think those would be the most important things for a relationship.

Yeah, and I love that so much. I'm, like, so excited talking to you because, if I were thinking, like, ingredients, I'd be like, oh, communication, like, things like that that are just so typical, but these are so important, and I think they're also the things that get lost, like, immediately, especially as a parent, right, because you have nothing left to be, empathetic for, you know, like, well, why didn't they just do that?

Right. So I love those ingredients, those are great. And that soup is probably going to taste amazing if we do all those things. I [00:15:00] think, people come in. I would say probably 99 percent of people that come in, they say we, we need to improve communication. And yeah, that's important.

But it's so like surface, that's not going to change your relationship and it's not going to increase satisfaction, right. It might minimize conflict a little bit, but it's not going to be connecting. It's just going to do conflict a little bit better. But where I really see improvement and growth , is that deeper down stuff because without that, you're not going to really get far,, it's really, really the top, top level is the communication, but to, to really get there, you need to go deeper.

Yeah,. And I can see how the, what you put into your soup is much more connecting. Yeah. That vulnerability and empathy, like that is so connecting. I love how you said that now. Okay. We've been together for a long time. Most parents have been together [00:16:00] for quite a while. They have kids, the spark in their relationship definitely fades, right?

It's not that you don't love somebody, right? You do, but that spark fades. How do we reignite that? So again, the, you utilize vulnerability So I have couples do, a nightly, if they can, I, I don't know how practical that is for everyone, but as often as they can a few times a week, sit down and talk about how your day's going, what's been going on with you.

And. Again, vulnerably use those deep feelings whenever, almost every time somebody is angry, there's some underlying vulnerable emotion. But it's a lot, it feels a lot safer to be angry than to be hurt. But when you can communicate regularly in a vulnerable way and share with your partner, this is what I experienced in my.

Outside life. And this is what I'm experiencing with you, , and [00:17:00] highlighting, the positives. I really felt loved when this happened, like that really made me feel good about myself. And, I wish. Kind of highlighting what you need more of rather than criticizing what you don't want. So that's a little bit of a, that's a communication thing, right?

But when you do that regularly, it's every single time you do, it's increasing that. Again, I keep using this word connection, but it's not so mundane, right? It's not just so how has worked good. How are you feeling good? You know, um, that's not really connecting, but when you really get, detailed and vulnerable and express really how you're feeling it's every single time you do that, it's like, Oh, now I understand what my partner's going through and it, that really can change things because You get to know them on such a different level.

And every time you have these [00:18:00] talks, you connect a little bit more and you know your partner more rather than just kind of that everyone thinks after being together 20 years, they know their partner so well. And a lot of times they're surprised that they actually don't know them as well as they thought.

And so that is critical, I would say. definitely learning how to repair conflict quicker. Like I said, it's unrealistic to think that you're not going to have conflict. You are. What happens a lot of times when people struggle to repair and, they get into a lot of times, that's when you're focusing on the who's right, who's wrong.

And that's where those fights last days or longer. Sometimes when people say we're fighting all the time, it's really that they're not having that many fights. The fights are just lasting a really long time because they're taking so long to repair. So if we [00:19:00] took that piece out and they could just repair so much quicker, it doesn't feel like they're fighting all the time, even though they're still having the same amount of fights,

So repairing quicker. is so important. And then, the cliche date nights, more date nights, and it doesn't have to be a, a huge, glamorous dinner or anything like that. It can be, that's fun too. But it can just be, around the house. Let's cook together. , I tell people like watching a show together that can be connecting.

If your phones are away, don't look at your phone. But then you're sitting together. You can be holding hands. You can, you're both engaged in something together. You can talk about it later so. A lot of times people think that that can be disconnecting and it can be, but also you can use it towards your advantage.

And then I encourage people when they do plan date nights, make a date night out of the planning, right? Cause [00:20:00] that can be fun just sitting there. What restaurant are we going to go to? What are things we can do? And talking about that. Additionally, if you're planning a vacation, and again, that's a lot of opportunities to sit down together and, highlight what you're looking forward to.

I encourage people, If it's possible, to plan some trips a little bit further out. a few months out. So you have something to look forward to together. And I mean, spontaneous trips are really fun. And also though, having things on the calendar far out.

So you've got that. Oh, we're really looking forward to this together. Let's sit down and. Look at some activities we can do in this town or, utilizing all of these little opportunities that sometimes we take for granted. I think that can. help when people hear more date nights. Sometimes I think that can sound overwhelming.

So like, I don't have time, but that's a, I think a good way to be able to [00:21:00] incorporate more of that. Alone time together time. I like the The definition of date night, not needing to actually have to go anywhere because when you have young kids, sometimes it's hard to find a, someone to watch your children to go out and that can be stressful or financially it's too expensive to also have somebody watch your children and then go out.

So I just love that. And yeah, the TV thing. Honestly, I do that. We're big bachelor fans. I'm gonna put that out there. I'm sorry. My husband loves it too. But we get really into the guys, into the girls, into the characters. And it does. It becomes a family thing. My husband always cheats and looks up who wins because you can find that on the internet.

And I always don't let him tell me. Although eventually we do, probably before the last episode. But yeah, it's just fun, even though it's TV. But it's free, it's time together, and it's something we have a lot of fun with. So yeah, I can totally see that being good too. It doesn't have to be this like, romantic dinner.

Because honestly, that's not [00:22:00] who we were before., we didn't do, we like went out for dinner, but like, honestly, we'd rather go sit in a movie and bring a burger in than to like go to this romantic place. Anyway, that's who we were. So I think that's kind of just a great perspective too. Yeah. And, especially something like that, that, that's on weekly or something, you've got something to look forward to and Hey, we can, pour some wine and have some, cheese and crackers with it, make it.

a thing that we're excited about that can actually be really fun. , because again, it can be, like you said, a little intimidating to think, Oh, we've got to get dressed up. We've got to, find the babysitter, which can be a whole challenge in itself and sometimes it's a little bit like, People aren't looking forward to it.

It's more of kind of a hassle and it's to go through all this. And sometimes it's fun, but also it don't force yourself to do something that you're not going to really enjoy. If you like something more low key at home, [00:23:00] do it. Just as long as you guys are again, putting the phones away, it's critical.

Right. That changes everything. If you could put your phone away, especially at nighttime, bedtime, if you could put it across the room, that can be really helpful. But you can really make any, any experience together, a connecting experience, as long as you're intentional about it.

Now for, , people who are really in the thick of this, where they have less time, how do they prioritize their, their significant other and still manage all the responsibilities of being a parent? Think first is, Getting help from your partner, because otherwise you're going to get resentful.

I'm doing all this stuff and then I have to make time for you too. It's like, that's just another thing on my list if I'm not getting support. Right. But when your partner can help, then you feel like a team, let's take care of this together. And then we have time for, each other.

[00:24:00] And so I think that's absolutely So important to get that, that help from your partner and to really collaborate. How can we work together on this? And I think, just again, including each other in what's going on, even when you're overwhelmed, that can be what you're talking about. I'm really overwhelmed and your partner just showing empathy and, Hey, how can I, how can I help you?

What can I do? To make you feel less overwhelmed. And what can we do together? What would help? Do you want to go and, get some coffee together? Do you want to go on a walk? Would that help? So again, being vulnerable, sharing that piece with how you're feeling, rather than just feeling that way, because that's gonna, build resentment.

If you're feeling overwhelmed and people will say, you know, they don't even realize how I'm feeling. And that is an expectation. A lot of people hold is their partner should [00:25:00] just know. And that's not realistic. It's not going to happen. A lot of times I tell people, well, you're asking them to read your mind and they're, that's likely to be inaccurate what they're assuming.

So just tell them, people sometimes think if I have to tell them, it means they don't get me or something. And no, if you have to tell them, that means they want to learn. They want to know more about you. So I think reframing that can be really, really important.

That's huge because mind reading, no, we can't mind read. They can't mind read. That is not one of our skills, right? And when we do, it's usually we're reading their minds in, in a way that brings in our own stuff. That is probably not even true, so yeah, I think that communication, I had just had this conversation with my husband the other day about that, because I was saying every time I do this, you say that this is how I feel.

So I guess I was doing the vulnerability thing, which is good. Yay. [00:26:00] Um, but yeah, and, and he's like, well, that's not what I was thinking at all. When I say that, I just, that's all I meant, you know, and I'm like, huh, well, that's my own stuff. Apparently I have. My own stuff that I need to deal with and I made up a whole story that doesn't even exist.

Right. And I think a lot of us probably do that in certain situations. So I think, I think what I'm hearing from this conversation is honestly be vulnerable and then communicate with that. Yeah, yeah, definitely. , I think we Sometimes people will say, well, I don't want to have to tell them like, I want flowers.

But I don't want to have to tell them. And that's really setting your partner up for failure. I'm like, but isn't it more important that if you tell them they'll do it, , because they will, they just need to know. It doesn't mean they love you any less. It they're demonstrating how much they love you because they want to know.

And then you'll get it. A lot of times, you just have to ask for it. Yeah, [00:27:00] so true. Now, if you can tell the listeners one thing to start doing today, I have a feeling I might know what this is, but let's find out, um, what would you tell them to do? Yeah, just, uh, be vulnerable, right? When, when you guys get home from work, when you sit down, maybe after the kids go to bed or taking five minutes and just talking about.

what you experienced that day, and asking your partner, what about you? What did you experience today? What was something that was hard for you? And tell me more about that. And because that part, a lot of times just goes by the wayside, but it really gives us a lot of information about what our partner is going through.

And. If we don't have that information, we're going to make up stories in our head. That's just how human beings work. And we're going to think, Oh, they're They're really mad at us, or I've done something wrong, or whatever it is, and maybe they just had a rough day at work. Maybe, the car in front of them was being a jerk, [00:28:00] whatever it is.

But understanding that, and maybe it was something that they're upset with you about, but giving them an opportunity to tell you, so you guys can kind of figure it out together. Yeah, I love that. So tell the listeners where they can find you and what you have to offer them. My website is www.

southdenvertherapy. com. , I am located in South Denver and I can, work with clients virtually all through Colorado and I can do some couples coaching throughout the country, , or anywhere. virtually. , but yeah, and then on Instagram, Facebook, I can be found at South Denver therapy. com

And thank you so much for coming today. I mean, honestly, I learned so much from you and I'm really excited to honestly reconnect with my husband, even though. We have been working on that already, but I feel like these have given me some just new skills to use during our conversations.

So thank you so much. Yeah. I'm so happy to hear that. Thanks for [00:29:00] having me

thank you for joining us for this episode. I learned so much from Kayla. And if you want to connect with her, just click on the link in the show notes

and until next week, let's work on that actionable step of becoming more vulnerable in our conversations so that we can really reconnect and rekindle our relationship with our spouse,