Reducing Stress and Prioritizing Self-Care with Victoria Niels

Welcome to the Real Life Momz Podcast. It is time to take a break from all our to dos and carve out some time to focus on ourselves. I'm Lisa Foster, your host, and today I'm here with Victoria Niels. She is a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner with a Clinical Certification in Anxiety, Stress, and Emotional Regulation.

And today she is here to help us share some easy ways to reduce stress. stress, prioritize ourselves, and transform some of this overwhelm into joy. So thank you so much, Victoria, for coming on the show today. Yeah, thank you so much. I am really excited to share because it has really transformed my life.

, none of us will ever be perfect, but I think I've seen the fruits of learning how to do this work and then also being able to quickly, , repair with our kids when we do mess up. And so, yeah, it's, it's really, really beautiful and it's a whole lot of fun. So I love being a mom. It's my favorite [00:01:00] thing in the world.

Ah, I know. It's my favorite thing too. And listen, this is a great topic for this time because let's face facts. It is stressful out there right after the holidays. We are looking to go into the new year with some new habits, new strategies. New perspective. So this is like such a perfect conversation.

Yeah, I'm excited to be here. Thank you. I know you are passionate about health and wellness. That's a big passion of yours and helping moms too. So what do you think is the biggest gap in our health practices that a lot of people just overlook? The number one biggest gap in our health practice is Understanding where our emotional state is at any given moment, for example, so let's say, the amount of time that you're eating your meals and working out, that may be like three hours a day. Okay. But you're technically doing these like activities that are healthy and maybe the rest of the day you're like running around, you're stressed [00:02:00] out, you're overwhelmed.

And so if the state that your body is in, the other like 12 hours that you're awake is stress, anxiety, and overwhelm, your body gets used to that. But those emotions are also very, very depleting on our system, and they literally drain us, which explains why, especially moms, are so tired. So it's the missing key.

It's truly the missing component is learning how to just be really intentional with your emotional state as you go throughout the day. So a practice that I cultivated years ago, which everything starts with practice. So I think the best way to, , think about it is sports, We teach our kids with whether they're learning a new skill or a new sport.

Like we know that in order for them to get really good at it and in order to perform well at the big game, they've got to practice. And so this is also one of those areas where we have to practice it. It may look like, well, five minutes a day, I sit down [00:03:00] and reflect on gratitude. But then I also start to just.

Be able to go throughout the day and do that. Like, for example, I can move from being like frustrated and bitter that I've got to clean up my kid's mess again into being like, you know what, I actually really need to move my body. I didn't get enough stuff then. So like. When I'm done, I'll get to have pics at my house and move my body and take care of my family.

And like, so just by adjusting how you are feeling is going to mean that your body is going to have more energy, which we all need and can use more of. Yeah. Right. The mindset. Is so important in how our body is responding, right? Because our bodies do hold the emotional piece, right?

And, and the, just that switch of that mindset can really change the experience of what our body is perceiving, right? So that is so interesting because yeah, I mean, like I looked at my kitchen, no offense, my [00:04:00] husband made me amazing dinner for New Year's. Let's cheer him up. Yes. Thank you. However, the cleanup the next day, like, Oh my God, the grease from the steak, like, it was just, it was gross.

And I was like, Wow, like, kind of feeling angry inside. Right. And my body's holding that stress. But if I like just switch the channel a little bit in my mind and say, okay, well, you know what? I can play some really nice music, remembering my great meal, you know, while I'm cleaning up these dishes, maybe even dance around the kitchen that would have a different response to my body.

And it wouldn't be another stressful state that I would be in. Yeah, absolutely.

And so that's a really good way to bring the mind into it. And then another way that I bring the body into it so that it's whole is I started practicing this when my kids were toddlers and they would do lots of screaming and whining.

Well, my reaction was, Oh my God, make it stop. And I didn't want to respond that way. And so I would [00:05:00] practice, what I do is like a heart coherence, um, breathing. And so I would practice like in my moments of calm. And I would even picture them, whining or throw a fit, like how I wanted to respond on a regular basis until, , it got to the point where it's like, now there's not.

Um, and so that's how you can reset your body's response to stress is with this practice. And it's especially good for moms because we get to get in touch with our heart. And so it's really, it's such a simple practice of just putting your hand on your heart and being really present and slowing down your breathing.

, but putting your hand on your heart is amazing because where your, , attention goes, your energy flows. So you're intentionally flowing your energy to your heart and moving to a place of like love. When you slow down your breathing, you also are able to communicate to your body that you're safe So the [00:06:00] situation that you normally think is stressful, now you relate it to safety.

To be most present with it, you can do , five count in and five count out, but I actually like to just teach people to use the body. So you put your hand on your heart and think about something you're grateful for. And then, I close my eyes, but the way that I use my body is very slowly on the breathing in, I move my head up.

So,

And so by the time you've done that, just using your body and moving very slowly, you'll have done like five seconds in and five seconds out. And that way you could be fully present, without having to actually count with it as well. But people don't realize how, yeah, people don't realize how easy it is to be present.

When you tap into your breath, you know, because a lot of people say they can't meditate like you just have to focus on your breath So right, you're right. You're too busy focusing on trying to like be calm and still [00:07:00] No, I love that. Just yeah, and just for the viewers that aren't watching it on the video option here I mean you just literally as you took a breath and moved your head back and then exhaled and moved it forward And I love that instead of the counting.

And I am a big fan of breath work as well. It just kind of gets your body reset so that you're not in that heightened state. And you can also take just a minute before you react. Um, so I really love that. And I like what you were saying about practice, like kind of practicing.

or thinking about the situations and practicing the response like when you're not in the situation because I, I do think like I get triggered and I'm sure a lot of people do. It's like hard to retrain those triggers in you, you know, even if you're changing your mindset or things, but it's just like this internal body response, like when something happens, you're like, Oh, And, and, and it just comes out, right?

And so I like the idea of [00:08:00] practicing to just, like you said, like a sport to retrain that reaction. So that when that thing happens, whether it's your child, your boss, your spouse, whoever, right, it's not the same reaction.

Yeah.

I guess I would think of in the moment of needing it as the big game, you know, like ready for this. So I know you guide mothers.

Just to kind of reset that stress baseline, right? And I know you talked about breathing. Are there other tools that you teach moms? So that's the number one thing I would start with. And then I also like to add when someone is first starting, the effects can last for hours, which is great.

, but I do know too, like, especially if you're first starting, like you're going to notice like, Oh, this, this does not work all day. So I always recommend like five minutes a day, two to three times a day. So, you know, it could be breakfast, lunch and dinner or whatever, but multiple times a day is going to have amazing, [00:09:00] amazing benefits.

The other thing is journaling. I love for moms to journal, whether it's the end of the day or the beginning of the day. But something that really helped me to do better is I would start with ,what went really, really well today that I really love and honor that, look for that good that you did and then look for ways of, okay, what didn't go well, like where did I react when I wanted to respond?

And then I would really like go over it. And there's a couple of things I would look at it would be like, well, is there any way that I'm actually thinking about this situation wrong? Like, is my thinking, the reason that I'm even reacting this way, like, is there maybe an adjustment I can make there? And then also coming up with a different way to respond next time.

And I think another thing with kids too, is really, really being intentional with understanding them and taking the time to [00:10:00] truly understand. Your kids and their heart. Like, I really think this is a superpower that every single mom has. But I think a lot of times we come from families where our parents never took the time to understand us.

And so then we don't even understand ourselves. And then being intentional about what am I going to do differently next time, especially if you're journaling and writing this down, it's going to be much more likely to happen next time and then also combination of being intentional about seeing your kids heart.

Because more often than not, parents are seeing behavior. They're saying, my kid talks bad, my kid doesn't listen, my kid has bad grades, my kid hits their sibling. They're looking at behavior and they're not looking at the heart. And you'll never get through to your child if you don't make the intentional effort to connect to their heart and say, set aside the Behavior long enough to say, I see you, because that's what we all want when it's all said and done, [00:11:00] whether we're this big or this big, and I realized that because when I've messed up, it hurts the most when someone that you think should know you better than anyone can only see your poor behavior.

And when you truly have a relationship with your kid to say, I see you, they show up a million times better when they know that you see the real thing.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, you're right, everybody, everybody wants to be seen and heard, and I like how you go back to kind of this, Sports analogy, I have to ask, do you play sports?

Because, oh my gosh, no, not really. Cause I'm like, wait, this is like the, you know, I feel like I'm on a football game at this point. It's like, okay, we're going to rewatch our game, right. And see how we reacted and played, but I love looking back and seeing how we can, shift and change and learn from ourselves

Yeah, and I think it's so important and sometimes it's so easy for [00:12:00] moms to not prioritize themselves, but doing this work, so whether it's like 15 minutes a day of work, Breath work, whether it's, you know, five minutes spent on gratitude and 10 minutes a day journaling, like that 30 minutes a day is absolutely worth it because you're going to be a better parent.

And when you're a better parent, well, my favorite part about it is when we reset our baseline, then we automatically have the tools to help our kids reset their baseline for stress. And that's actually developed in the womb. Okay. So when we help our kids, we're changing the next generation. Like I would say that's worth at least 30 minutes a day.

It's not more. Totally. Yes. I mean, yes, if we're feeling kind of common grounded, others around us are going to do that. Now I hear you talking about kind of that generational, um, cycle a little bit, because that is a big thing. I mean, we [00:13:00] do pass things down generation to generation, even on a cellular level, right, DNA, we do that.

And so maybe you could talk a little bit about that, that generational cycle and how do you. Start to break. Maybe some of the cycles that you don't want to have. That's like down. Okay. So I would say that you have to become just so present and have a high level of awareness and a big part of that. It almost is like, When someone is doing a detox is you have to just take a look at your own personal life and say, where am I naming numbing?

Where am I distracting myself? Where am I harming myself? Like, where am I not being present? So whether that is, whether that is alcohol or vaping or something you maybe rely on, there's a lot of times there's substances, [00:14:00] You know, whether it's excess sugar or whatever, that is keeping us from showing up as our best.

And so, honestly, I wasn't a huge drinker. I just drank socially. But when I decided to quit drinking, like, completely and just be, like, more intentional with my self awareness, the way that things were just revealed to me was, I mean, it was like growth in leaps and bounds. So. Um, it really dulls our senses are, it depresses our system.

And so a lot of times there are things in our lives that is keeping us, I say, from accessing our like superpower that is our birthright. Um, we were born with so much intuition and wisdom and intelligence. I mean, our bodies literally create life. I think about the amount of wisdom that that takes. To grow a person and then little organs inside [00:15:00] another person, like, and it just does it, you know, like, there's so much more of that.

Yeah, within us. And so I would definitely say like being intentional and doing that. And I just started. I started testing myself because this is another thing I see too, is moms don't trust their own intuition when it comes to themselves and when it comes to their kid. And I was that way too. So I started testing it and I would have like a gut feeling and I would either go ask the person to get confirmation, like, Hey, I, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Is this true? Like, yes. And it's like, I just kept testing it over and over and over again and recognizing that every single time it was right. And a lot of times you can think about your past too. And like maybe when you had a gut feeling about something and you still let it slide and you were like, I knew from the very beginning. Really testing that to let yourself know that you can trust it. And then [00:16:00] the hard part goes then. Acting on it sooner rather than later, we can still be like, Oh yeah, I have great intuition, but then we don't ever act on it. And then end up, , in all sorts of situations that we didn't necessarily have to act on.

, I would say it was, it starts with a belief of knowing and recognizing that the same intelligence within you that created life like has this ability to help you to See all of your patterns and things, whether they were passed down or not. And even just life circumstances. So I would look around and I would notice that I was constantly feeling the same way.

So whether it was like really sad or depressed or anxious or feel a certain way. Or I would have maybe the same situation happening in friendships where they would just keep dropping off. And instead of blaming people, I finally got to a point where I was like, maybe it's me, like what's [00:17:00] going on?

You know what I mean? You just start to notice like, okay, nothing like maybe the job changes, maybe the relationships change, but the same things keep happening. And I think at that point, it's not worth it to say, I don't care if it came from my mom, or I don't care if it came from three generations back, but this is a pattern that is present, and I'm going to own it, recognize it, and do something differently.

Okay. So here's another really powerful thing is a lot of times our patterns are, especially kept us safe when we were kids. So that could look like maybe as a child, you were. I'm harmed by somebody could be a sibling could be a family member and in order to protect yourself you learn to yell. Because that would get an adult's attention so maybe now yelling is a response that you use to try to gain control.

Um, [00:18:00] and so I think just really, this goes back to love and acceptance, like, instead of beating ourself up for where we mess up just loving it and accepting it and say. I see this pattern. I am gonna love it on it, especially because it probably kept me safe as a kid, but now I'm an adult and I have choices.

And I get to move out of survival. And so asking myself, like, who would I be and what would I be doing and how would I think, and how would I show up if I didn't need this survival pattern anymore and it's game changer. Like that's even like a journal pop a mom could do every single day until you're like, okay, patterns gone.

They're all gone. Like the authentic me, you know, I was born to be now. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that's so interesting. And just note, I mean, cause it's true. It's like, you don't always notice these patterns, right? Cause you're so in them [00:19:00] that you're just kind of going along and then it's not until you stop and look, someone once said, I, you know, I've done a lot of these like self help stuff and a lot of times they're like, Look at your results.

Like, are you where you want to be, right? Are you always ending up in the same exact place? And a lot of times the answer is, yeah, like, oh my God, I'm still there. Why am I still there? And the answer is probably because we haven't done anything differently to change it. We just kind of stay in that cycle because it's what we know.

It's what our body's used to. It's what feels safe. Um, that yeah, doing something different is kind of scary. So I love that, like kind of looking at it, I still think it's. It's probably hard. Like you probably need some help a little bit. It's probably a little bit hard to do it fully on your own. Would you agree with that?

Or do you think there are these things that you can do on your own? Because I think sometimes you need somebody to look at you from a different lens, even if it's not somebody like a therapist or something. It could be even a friend or [00:20:00] a family member, but just to kind of someone looking from the outside in to Um, and I think it's really important to give some feedback on those cycles of like, Hey, you know what, you're always dating the same type of person there and it never works out, right?

Like, right. Like that best friend that keeps dating that same kid. And you're like, Oh my gosh, like pick somebody different. Your life is the same way, you know? So, yeah. So sometimes you need somebody like that. What, what are your thoughts about that?, I definitely gotten to this place with lots and lots of coaches for sure.

And it has been life changing, especially because I've been able to overcome all of it. , I know, obviously, like, therapy can be very, very helpful. , I did it when I was younger. But I think if the therapist doesn't have ways to help you to move past things, like, more quickly, a lot of times [00:21:00] coaching is necessary.

If in therapy you're rehashing old stories and it's bringing up those emotions that are depleting, your body doesn't know the difference between if you're experiencing it or if you're just telling a story. So if those things are constantly, if they're constantly coming up for you over and over again, and then, , your body is going to think you're still experiencing like an unsafe.

situation for example, but yeah, coaching for me personally has been a game changer and I would highly recommend it like a million times over. Yeah. Is there something like that you feel comfortable sharing that you felt through coaching got you to that next level for yourself to kind of break the cycle? So my experience was in 2020, I started doing this work and life was amazing. And then [00:22:00] I bought a brick and mortar business that had me running myself ragged like 24 7, um, is actually a donut shop. And I didn't feel like I had time, like I was You know, between like the actual work and the work after the work, I didn't feel like I had time to do any of my like practices anymore.

And it was a new kind of stress to the point where it's like nothing I'd ever experienced with like panic attacks and like hyperventilating and nauseous. And so it's like in that state of like deep despair and overwhelming stress. It, it's very, very difficult to even like see your options. You know, it's very, very difficult to see, even though I like already had these certifications and things like that, like [00:23:00] in the midst of it, I could not see it until I finally broke down and cried so much.

I think I like cried out all the water in my body. And at the time it just felt so. despairing. But what I realized was it was actually really healing because when you cry, like you release some toxins and your body is actually completing healing. And so it wasn't until after I had that deep, deep, deep cry that I was like, Oh, I know how to get out of this overwhelm.

I know how to get out of this state. But what that taught me, , because I had stopped, like I wasn't getting coaching anymore and I wasn't intentional at these practices, but truly what that experience taught me is that this work, like the self reflection, being in a state of gratitude and love and acceptance and being intentional with your breath.[00:24:00]

To me, it taught me it is as essential as eating, as essential as brushing your teeth. It's absolutely necessary because people are out here so anxious, so depressed, so overwhelmed, and there's something that we can do about it. And so I think for me, my experience and my biggest transformation was going through something that was so hard.

I didn't think I was going to survive. Like I didn't want to live. And so for me, that was my transformation and it's honestly led me to, so I guess this is kind of relates to transforming overwhelm in, , in motherhood to joy because I had really cultivated my mindset and everything around my parenting, like that was good.

But when it came to my business and this work, like. My emotional state was just like, [00:25:00] ah, I'm frustrated, annoyed, angry 24 seven. Like I would wake up at midnight being like, Oh, here we go again. And I just was like, , you're in that state so long, your body gets used to it so much that it gets addicted to it, honestly, but when I finally, like, had my moment was like, okay, I can do something about this and I got really, really intentional and the HeartMath Institute actually has a device where you can measure if you're incoherent.

And so I was like, in a place where I was like, I need to wear this to work. And so I would actually like, hook it up. You hook it up to your ear and, um, it connects to Bluetooth on your phone and you can see like, if your body is incoherent. And so I would do that all day until I was like, I had experienced joy again.

And, in my darkest moment though, as a parent, and I think this is a really, really important. Mindset and belief for any parent to have [00:26:00] is that my challenges are a gift and I can grow beyond them because even in that, as a mom, I thought, this is really, really difficult. But when I get through this, and the way that I handle this.

It's going to prepare me for if my kids experience something and they need my support or advice, I can say, I've been there and I've overcome it. And I was able to use it as an opportunity for major, major growth. And even seeing like, So seeing our own challenges in life that way, and then seeing our kids challenges in life that way, whether a kid's struggling with their learning, whether they're getting bullied, whether they're having a hard time making friends, if we say, this is my sweet child, and they're still in my house with me, and, , if I help them work through this, [00:27:00] and, gain confidence, and, , Learn how to stand up for themselves and use their voice or whether the lesson here is they, need to learn how to set boundaries, which that was even a lesson for me that I had to learn in my business is how to set boundaries.

Like if we're able to take the mama bear out of it for a moment, it's okay to have the mama bear, , I always have the mama bear reaction first, then step back and say, okay, I'm a guy for my children. So how can I help them? See this experience as an opportunity for growth and helps to get them to where they were meant to be on the other side of this now so that they're not having to repeat circumstances over and over and over again because they never learned, until they're like 40 or 50 or sometimes people never learned because they never realized that that is the opportunity that we're being given in life.

Yeah, no, that's so beautiful. And I love that because [00:28:00] it's so true. , I feel like in life, even though it's not like always ideal, everything happens for a reason,

and in the moment it's always hard, but I love looking at, those challenges, those things that we have to overcome are just opportunities for us to learn. Opportunities for kids to see us learning and then passing that down once again, breaking the cycle of some of the other stuff we passed out,

Which is really, really huge and a beautiful way to look at it for sure.

So what is it that you want the moms that are listening today to just start doing? If I could do one thing, I would say, for sure, get present and get really, really intentional about tapping into your breath because that one thing will change your life for sure.

Create more safety in your body. Yeah. And so easy too, right? I love breathwork because you can do it anywhere, anytime, and it is portable people, portable and free. A little advertising for [00:29:00] breathwork. Yeah. Yeah. Now, where can the listeners find you? The best thing is email. So my email is just Victoria at Victoria meals. com.

And what are some type of things that you do offer?\ So as of right now it is, one to one coaching. So if someone wanted to work with me, we would just have a conversation and do, a deep dive on into what they're experiencing.

I would say there's a couple different options where moms go where, they think they're good because they're on anxiety meds. And to that, I say that you're just suppressing your symptoms.

When you take medication, like your body is still needing something and medication doesn't usually address that. And so, yeah, let me just do a deep dive on what. They're experiencing. And if there's anything that I've learned is that moms are going through way more than anyone could ever guess just by looking at [00:30:00] them or occasionally saying hi, or like, there's things people don't even tell their friends like, so just think it's so important that moms have that.

Someone that they can just be completely vulnerable and safe in that vulnerability with so that they can experience the true healing that they absolutely deserve because, , I would say joy and health and energy and vitality is all of our birthright and, , as each, one more mom experiences that, the better.

Well, thank you so much for coming on this show and talking to us about all these different strategies and helping us kind of pause and breathe and retrain for our new sport called life yeah, it's fun

Thank you for listening to this episode I love how Victoria puts it that we really need to retrain our [00:31:00] bodies. And it's kind of like a sport we need to practice so that we can be ready for that big game.

If you want to get in touch with Victoria,

just grab her email in the show notes.

And one more thing before you go, I want you to check out this amazing resource.

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So make sure you grab the link in the show notes for that incredible resource. And until

next week,

keep putting yourself on top of your to do list. And. Come back next Tuesday where we'll have another incredible episode with another incredible mom.