Mastering the Art of Saying No with the “Nope Coach” Suzanne Culberg

Welcome to the Real Life Momz Podcast. It is time to take a break from all our to dos and carve out this time to focus on ourselves. I'm Lisa Foster, your host, and today I'm here with fellow mom, mindset coach, speaker, author, Suzanne Culberg and she is here to help us say no to others so we can say yes to ourselves.

Hi, Suzanne. Welcome to the show. Hi Lisa, thank you so much for having me. Well, I'm excited to have you because you're known as the nope coach, which is like just this cool ultra ego, I think that's so cool to have. So I know I've never called it that before, but I'm like, yeah, I've got an alter ego. I love it.

Yeah, you can take that and run with it. But honestly, no is a complete sentence, right? That's all you need to say but so often, right, we say no, and then there's an excuse or justification, and we just kind of keep rambling on. Tell me, why we do that? Why do we feel the need to do [00:01:00] this?

It's funny. No is a complete sentence. Yes, and. I think sometimes no feels so final. However, It can be no without the excuse, justification, explanation, but with a quick reframe. Say for example, you're like, Hey Suzanne, would you like to come and record my show tomorrow at 5am? Thank you so much for inviting me, Lisa.

I'm not available at 5am. Are you free at 9? So, instead of, no, I can't do that because my kids are asleep, do you know what I mean? Like, people tend to explain or over explain, and one of the things about my alter ego, I'm so running with that now, is when people say no to me, because they do, and they start in on the reasons, depending how well I know them, or how confident I'm feeling that day, but let me, let me interrupt you right there.

I don't care. Like, not as in, I don't care as in, like, I'm a horrible, nasty, villainous person, but as in, it doesn't matter. You're wasting both of our [00:02:00] time here. Like, do you want to do this thing? No. That's it. Great. let it be what it is, because sometimes two people send you, like, if I have to do more than one scroll when you've sent me something, unless it's like a passionate thing about a novel that you like, or anything about Ted Lasso or Hamilton, really, I don't care.

It's just kind of like, it's making more time and effort for both parties, when if you're like, just, it's a no from me, like, say, for example, you're like, I'm hosting a Tupperware party. Thank you so much for inviting me, Lisa. I don't really dig plastic, but if you have a candles party, I'm there. Because sometimes what we say is, Oh no, the kids are doing this.

There's my Aussie coming out. Oh no. But you know, and we come up with all this stuff and then we go next time, next time in the back of our minds, we don't mean next time we don't ever want to go. And then what happens is next time you host another party, you invite me again because I said to you next time.

And after enough times that I fob you off, you might be like, oh, Susanne just doesn't like me, which is [00:03:00] wrong. But you make the assumption, which makes sense because how many times you got to invite someone to something and they turn you down before you start to question. Yeah. When really just said, actually, I'd love to hang out.

Same as like a movie invite or whatever. I don't do horror. But, you know, if there's some comedy thing, rom com, I'm there. But I think we just, we feel that we can't explain, like as in the real reasons, we make an excuse, which isn't in service to no one. Right. And I think you hit on something there because I think we're also afraid, you're right, like I never want to go to maybe that plastic Tupperware thing, right?

That's just not my jam, right? But I'm afraid of not being asked for other things, right? And you're right, if we keep saying no, because they're not asking us for the right thing, because honestly, they don't know what it is. But instead of we said, No, I'm not really into that. But I'd love to go for a walk or coffee.

That would be amazing. then we would be invited and problem solved. But yeah, we don't want [00:04:00] to, like, lose being asked, I think, as part of it. Well, we don't want the person to feel that we're insulting them. Yeah. Because sometimes they'll be like, I love that you love it. Like, yo, if you have a collection of tiny miniature things that you've painted yourself, you do you.

For me, I think that's more boring than watching paint dry, like, I wouldn't do it personally, but I love that you love it. And I think sometimes we're like, people explain their hobbies to us or whatever, and it's like, no, no, let's, like, the whole preface of we agree to disagree. My husband and I, people, we've been together for over 20 years now, and people, often say, I don't know how you two work.

You don't have any hobbies in common. You don't do a lot together. You're both incredibly lazy. Like you'll text each other from the next room rather than just getting off your butt and walking through. But we like it like that. And we always from day dot have been direct as, like as in just no. And I think sometimes when you meet a new partner, friend, colleague, something, you kind of, you, you play it up a bit and then, [00:05:00] And then they think, oh my gosh, she loves this as much as me.

And then you don't. And then when you're six months into the friendship and relationship and at one moment you just totally lose it and go, I can't stand anime movies. And they're like, you've changed. And you haven't really, you've just become even more you. Like, obviously in the beginning, you, you want to be a little bit, mindful of how you come across, like, as being polite, but there's also building up a persona that isn't even real.

Like, I've never been into sports in any way, shape, or form. I will attend my children's events. It's somewhat begrudgingly, but I, I just, I can't, I don't understand the whole, why would you sit down and watch other people run around a field? I'm not saying I'd rather run around the field myself because I'm not really sporty, but like you, I just don't get some things that are really popular.

But I like what you're saying. And I think there are a lot of emotional feelings behind the no, like we are afraid to hurt somebody we are afraid of. I think a big one, honestly, is guilt, right?

We're [00:06:00] afraid of, like, we feel guilty that we might. hurt somebody or guilty that we're not going to do that. And I think the other big, big thing, at least for me, is conflict. I try to avoid conflict. Like, I am fleeing. Like, so I want to say yes, because I don't want to say no. And then I'm backtracking, like, oh my gosh, I got to make an excuse.

What is the excuse, right, that I can make to get out of the thing I didn't want to do in the first place? So. And I think that's the frame that you could really take on board. I used to struggle to say no. I used to be the most conflict avoidant person I could think of. And I would say yes in the moment, but on the day come up with an excuse.

And then in the back of my mind, I'd be like, what excuse did I use last time? The car can't break down again. Oh no, last time I, you know, seriously, I had no intention of going to these things, but I didn't know how to say no. And I didn't want to be rude. Think about it on the other way. Say you are hosting a Tupperware party and you've cleaned your house and you've scurried your children to either harm them off to your husband or whatever, and you've catered, you've like [00:07:00] baked all this stuff and you're ready, then ding, ding, ding, your texts start coming in.

Oh, my car's broken down. Oh no, such and such a stick. Oh no, I've got a toothache, whatever. You're like, isn't that much more rude? Because you haven't had to say no in the moment, you know, you can get out of it by a text that that person has prepared. than to actually say up front. I have this story.

My late mum, she is the, she was the premier people pleaser. Anyway, one year, when I was quite young, I bought her this perfume. It was white linen, and it was expensive by my standards, and she was so thankful, so over the top, oh my goodness, and she sprayed that thing on, and I was like, oh my god, I've gone to a winner!

My mum loves white linen! Every birthday, every Mother's Day, every Christmas, everything you could think of, I bought her white linen. And she was always so grateful. Fast forward many years. I've moved out of home. I have a child of my own. It's my first Mother's Day, where my daughter's at school, and she brings me the stuff.

You know the school, um, stall? They have the Mother's Day [00:08:00] stall? And she buys me this god awful perfume that absolutely stinks, like, oh my gosh, it's so bad. And I'm like, Xanthi, I love you. I love you so much. I can really see the effort you've gone into, I appreciate that you've gone to pick something up from the store for me.

Mummy, I have a really sensitive nose and I don't like things that smell. So I love this, but in future, can you please buy me a book, or a pen, or a bookmark, or you know, something like this. And then she's like, okay, cool. Yep, yep. And off she goes. And my mum was there and she has this look of absolute horror on her face and she's like, Suzanne, how dare you?

And I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, oh, you've just broken her heart. She's really writing it on thick. And I'm like, I'm confused. I'm like, excuse me? She goes, do you know how many years I've worn white linen? And I was like, excuse me? You don't like white linen? And she had nowhere to backtrack. She is caught.

And to this day, I'm thinking, which is worse? To do something you think pleases [00:09:00] the other person when really they can't stand it. Whereas if you have an honest conversation, like, I love that you've gone out of your way for this. I don't enjoy this. I don't like this. This is what I want instead. So I think we don't want to be demanding or we don't want to be rude.

I haven't said, Hey kid, this thing's shit. Get me that. Right. Yeah, loved your gift. Don't want it again. It's basically what you're saying, right? I think for years we, we do stuff. And I remember mom, one time, one time she bought like goose salt and pepper shakers or something. I don't know. And then we all got it into mind.

Oh, my mom loves geese. So she had a clock. She had tea towels, you name it. She had it. And one day. I don't know, there was some last straw. I think it was like a dustpan and broom set with a goose or whatever. She just totally lost it. And she's like, I can't stand geese. And we're just looking around our entire kitchen, which is like, and it was a clock.

There was everything. And I think sometimes, as you said, people pleases. We avoid conflict at all costs, the doormat, until [00:10:00] we explode the exploding doormat, where I just can't take it anymore. And which one is more healthy for long term relations and friendships? So, okay, so this brings me to like, what skill sets do we need or mindsets or whatever you want to call it, do we need to be able to really put that barrier in there to be like, no, I don't want any more white linen?

Because it is hard. It is hard to say no, we're not, we're not getting around that fact. It is hard. I love seeing the other side of it, the way you pointed that out, but like, What can we be working on? Are there strategies that we can work on in our everyday life so that when we do get that white linen that we don't like, we can easily say no?

I think there's so many strategies, because the first part is the acknowledgement, like, you know, thank you for your thought, thank you for your kindness, thank you for your gesture, I appreciate, because that is honest, like, don't lie. When we say, I can't make it, I'm too tired, that's [00:11:00] lying, that is disingenuous.

But if you're like, I appreciate that you went to this effort, like, I had a friend not that long ago, I met in person, we're really excited, and she baked me banana bread. And I was so grateful. I literally cannot eat banana bread because most of the time, well this one I couldn't, most of them, I'm allergic to walnuts, which she didn't know.

So, you know, and I could, I suppose, maybe cut it at the top or eat it from the bottom, but I'm not risking an allergic reaction. But like, it doesn't need to be that level. It could literally be, this is something that I don't choose to eat. but I appreciate that you made it. I love, I love this. I'm thankful.

And I think that's the part that we miss because we think, oh, if we don't eat this or if we don't go there, if we don't accept this, they'll think I'm uncaring or they won't invite me again or whatever. But when, if you're clear, like, I don't want to be invited to a Tupperware party, but I do want to go to whatever.

So when we start with a positive [00:12:00] acknowledgement of. appreciation that, you know, thoughtfulness, kindness or whatever, and then a kind of a redirection to what we, what we like instead, and then finishing on a positive as well. And then how people react, because one of the things you said was we don't want to hurt people.

We can't be responsible for other people's feelings. That's a weird kind of dynamic that a lot of us get into. People are going to be hurt. Their feelings are going to be hurt. Like, I can't count the number of times I've made something, bought something, created something, given something, and paying that back.

Gosh, this person's gonna love it! And then their inability to receive, they're like, Oh, you shouldn't have, or they just shove it aside, or I'll open it later. And I'm here, like, gutted. Like, you're robbing me of the thing. If I give someone something and they love it, like, it's funny. If people gave me stuff, I used to be like that too.

I open it later or I'd never use it. Cause I couldn't use this thing. And then I'd see people like posting it on Facebook or sharing on the internet because there's such a braggart. [00:13:00] And then one day I realized it was like, if I give someone something and they're gushing and excited and taking photos and selfies and telling everyone.

That is a gift to me. They're not bragging, like they're showing and showering. And that's actually something I learned from my kids. My son is the most appreciative person I've ever met. And he literally wakes up and he'll be like, I wonder what I'm going to get today. But there's no energy of like demanding or whatever.

He's just, he's so open. I can't count the number of times weird things have happened. Like, we've walked into a florist, and I'm like, don't touch anything. And he wanders around, he just admires with his really big eyes, and this florist came over and started making him a posy. And in the back of my mind, I'm like, how much is this going to cost?

I didn't consent to this. I'm like, really raging in my head. And then the mate just hands it to him. Of course. And there was another time, somebody literally gave him, in the street, a brand new, in plastic, electric toothbrush. Because he was wearing a Batman shirt, and he had a Batman toothbrush, and I was like, that's kind of weird.

Like, someone gave my kid a [00:14:00] toothbrush. It was new and in plastic, or I never would let him touch it. He's just so appreciative of anything. And like, one time, my family, because they're like, he can't really be this grateful and nice and appreciative of something, you know. So my sister, on a tear, wrapped him up for Christmas a ball of string.

Like, literally just gave him this ball of string. And he opens it up, and he's like, oh, this is great! And he's really, like, thankful. And everyone's just sitting there, and what it turned out was she also bought him a kite, and it was the string for the kite, but she wanted to give him this first just to see.

But, you know, he, he is just, he just goes about life going, I wonder what I'm gonna get. And I think, you know, But then communicating what you would like. So if someone says to him, what would you like? He has no qualms about telling you. But if, and then I think sometimes we're like, also too, so say you said my birthday's coming up, I turned 40 this year.

People are like, what do you want for your birthday? And I was like, it's really hard because you don't want to go, well, what's your budget? Like that is rude. Like sometimes you don't know. So what could you do? I [00:15:00] put together Amazon wishlists. So I had things from like 5 through to things that people could contribute towards and put some gift cards on there.

Or if you go to someone's house and they're like, you know, what would you like to drink? That used to stop me in my tracks. That's such a dumb question, but it would literally have me in palpitations because what if I asked for something they didn't have? Like, so just say, Oh, what's available? What have you got?

So it's this kind of communication rather than taking the thing to mean and then running away in our minds, because we don't, hurt people like there's a difference between harm and hurt and sometimes people feelings will get hurt yes but we're not intentionally harming them right yeah because i mean there have been things that happen like maybe you didn't go to a certain party and then now that friend is like angry but looking back at the situation maybe it's because, you actually didn't communicate that, you know what, this is actually too much for me, it's way too far [00:16:00] out of the way, whatever, versus just saying, like, I can't go because, you know, my car broke down.

Making up something, my car broke down. And also, communicating your needs. Like, I'm socially awkward. Highly sensitive introvert. I don't like to do things in person, and I really, really do communicate that. Obviously, I'll make exceptions. If it's your wedding, it doesn't matter if I'm having an introvert day.

If I've said yes, I'll turn up. If it's your graduation, if it's some big event. But if, say, Lisa, say you and I were not across the world from each other, and we're like, after the podcast, Let's go to the movies. Okay, cool. And then on the day I'm like, actually, Lisa, I'm not feeling it today. My social battery's fried.

I'm really kind of tired. I'm having introvert day. Some people might think, oh, that is so rude. That is so this. But if I force myself to go when I'm not feeling it, even if I don't say it energetically, you pick it up. And I just, I don't know, now I've cultivated in my life friendships, relationships, connections who, they just appreciate the fact that I'm so honest.

It's like, not, not [00:17:00] today, not right now. And not ghost people, don't show up. But I, if, if I changed my mind, I would be honest and say I, you know, I was really looking forward to this but, I didn't get any sleep. My kids are up all night. And I just, although I could make it, I wouldn't be good company today.

And people love that. So like my code word is I'm having an introvert day. People like, I get it. But then again, as I said, if it was a big event, wedding, graduation, something that is monumental, I wouldn't be like, Oh, sorry, I can't come to your wedding. But a coffee, a catch up, something that's not, you know, big.

And I think people appreciate that all around. Once again, it just goes back to communication because I also think you start to attract the people that get to know who you are, right? So it's, if the more you put out that, like, that communication piece, then you're going to hold on to those friendships because they're staying around because they know who you are and they like who you are,

who you are, not who you're pretending to be. Right. You don't want to fake it till you make it. Like, I don't want to just show up to things I don't [00:18:00] enjoy. Because I'm not having any fun. And those are friendships that are probably not that real then. And my best friends are people who I can literally not talk to for a whole year.

And then I call them up and it's like, as if it was yesterday, there's no like, why haven't you called me? Like, I haven't talked to you forever. There's none of that. It's just like, oh my God, it's so great to hear from you. And we just take off where we left off. And those are my favorite friends. Those are my favorite people.

Because they are just meeting me where I am, when I need to be there. And there's none of this like, Oh God, haven't seen you in a year. It's perfect. Yeah. And also too, like growing up, I grew up in a family that was very, you know, guilting and shaming. Like you call someone and it'd be like, Oh, I haven't heard from you in so long.

Oh, nice to hear from you. All this stuff. Does that make you want to call them? No, not at all. And sometimes like now, now I'm at a place is anyone answers the phone when I call them and I [00:19:00] have that kind of reaction. I'm like, well, perhaps this is why I don't call you. And it's taken a lot of work to get to this place, but I love it when I ring someone or I see someone that actually said, how you been?

You know, like, as you said, whether it's been a day or a year, they're excited. And if you have a friend, who's that honest and that open. So like if someone asks me for something. They're like, I've done a new website, I've got a new offer, like, what do you think? Before I even look, open, whatever, I'll be like, do you want the real Sue's answer or do you want the cheerleading you've done amazing?

Because sometimes too, sometimes you get to, you teach people how to treat you. Like today I put a new offer out in business and one of my biz friends said, do you want feedback? I said, no. I'm not open to feedback at this stage. I'm following the divine breadcrumbs, whatever woo you want to call it, like, I'm passionate about this.

I like it exactly how it is. And I want to test it for a good month before I hear anyone else's insight into it. But I have to really articulate that. And some people don't like being told that they [00:20:00] can't give you feedback. And it's like, but then, and even when you want feedback, what sort of feedback do you want?

When I launched my podcast, I was like, I'm open to hearing that you love it, that it's amazing, whatever. Um, at this stage, I don't want, you don't like the colours or I've spelled something wrong or whatever. Because for anyone listening to this, if you're in business or whatever creative pursuit you're doing, sometimes you've spent days, weeks, months creating this thing.

You're so excited, you put it out there into the world, and the first thing you get back is you spelt this wrong. And it's, it's soul crushing, but you've got to communicate to people what kind of feedback are you looking for, because this was really right home to me. I wrote a book, I got the proof in the mail, like the actual book, I remember opening it, smelling it, touching it, being like, oh my gosh, I'm an author now.

Nobody else was around. The first person I gave it to was my husband. See, choose your audience here, people. And he sat down, he read it cover to cover, and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm waiting. And he's like, what did you think? And he's like, well, there was no spelling [00:21:00] mistakes. And I was like, that's not what I was after.

So, you know, sometimes choose the people that you ask for feedback, choose the people that you share with or articulate what it is that you want. And the same is when people ask you for something like I had, cause I've written a book, I tend to have a lot of book friends move in the circles and people be like, Oh, would you proofread my book?

And I used to just say, yes, because I love to read, but sometimes people's books are really dry and boring. And as much as I love them as a person, I can't read it. So now what I do is I say, I'll read a chapter. Like, let me know which chapter you want me to read. Then if I like it, I can say, give me the whole thing or I'll read more.

But I'm not trapped in, because sometimes, you know, love you fiercely as a person, or I love your podcast, but your book's dry to me, not to everyone, to me. But now I'm stuck into reading something and giving up potentially 10 hours of my life when I don't want to. Yeah, that's a big commitment, for sure, now, okay, we're going to switch this a little bit because no is hard, right? It's hard to say no, but we've got some strategies. You know, [00:22:00] what's even harder than saying no, I think, is saying yes to something you want to do, but you don't feel good enough.

You're fearful of it, you're afraid to put yourself out there. So how do we, once we say no to the things we don't want, how do we say yes to the things that we do want confidently? There's three steps that I use for this. Say there's something I want, like, I, do you know who Rob Bell is?

I don't, no. Okay, he's an author, he's been on Oprah, absolutely love all his stuff. Anyway. I wanted him on my podcast, and I was like, hmm, you know, like, he's a big name, he has like over 200, 000 followers, what, what are the odds, you know? Anyway, so I asked myself, what's the worst thing that could happen? If I said, Rob Bell, email, hey, say, hey, you wanna come on my show?

The worst thing that could happen, I don't hear anything back. Like, you know, he ghosts me. Can I live with that? Yeah. What's the best thing that could happen? He'd be like, sure. Oh, come on. Give me your calendar. You know, what's the most likely thing that would happen? I'd probably get a nice deodorant, you [00:23:00] know, or, um, I hear nothing at all.

But you know, whenever you're striving or wanting something, that if you go, what's the worst case, what's the best case, what's the most likely, if you can live with the worst case, then just go. Cause so many of us are afraid of failing. Yeah. You're already failing. Like, I already didn't have Rob Bell on my podcast.

So, Yahoo, and I think, and what ended up happening, is he wrote back and said, you know, I'm available at, like, 8am Pacific on this date. And I don't care what time that is in Australia. I'm there. And it was funny, when I sent him the Zoom link, I was like, is somebody having a lend? Like, did I actually get THE Rob Bell, or is this Anyway, it was him, and we had the best time.

But I think, and, and, I've had some amazing guests on my show, and people will often say, how did you get them? I'll be like, I asked. Yeah, well, how did you get to go on that show? I asked. Because if you, if someone says no to you, like most of the time, big names or big people, you won't hear anything. You'll hear nothing.[00:24:00]

And it, it, it kind of stings a bit. And also to follow up, because so many of us, I bet you get it too, anyone listening to this, how many emails do you get on day, on average? I'm guessing 20 to 50. And if you're in business, how many of them start with dear sir, madam, or whatever. So you immediately get rid of that.

Yeah. Yeah. Or do you have something, I love your show, but then when you read a bit you realise that they send the same thing to everyone because they haven't said anything actually about your show. So, like, when you send the second message. then you have someone's attention because they might kind of recognize your name or you say something like, I know you're busy, like, I'm just reaching out this once more.

On the follow up on that second message is where I get 90 percent of the things that I truly desire. So I think, you know, so often we think the worst case scenario, um, Like, maybe, maybe you feel like, actually I want to quit my job and move to the Maldives. The worst case scenario is you go bankrupt and eat out of a garbage can.

Maybe that one you'd be like, actually no, I can't deal with that. So you won't go with that. But a lot of the things people truly want aren't huge. They [00:25:00] feel huge in your mind, but they aren't huge. And when you just start to ask and realize, That you can live with a a no or a ghost or rejection or follow up.

And also too, no, doesn't mean not ever when I first, so I've had my own show podcast for nearly two years now. Before that I guested for like four years and there'd be a number of times I'd reach out for a show I wanted to go on and pitch topic and get a no wait six months pitch. Another topic. Like no, doesn't mean no, not forever.

I'm not saying spam people 'cause that's gross, but like if you like, I wanna be on this show. Wait a few months, propose another topic, because say you wanted to come on my show and you're like, I want to talk about the benefits of alkalized water. I'm not interested in that. It would be a no. But if you're like, I want to talk about communication, here's the link.

So it's kind of like tweaking, not taking a no is an ultimate rejection. The no could, it's nothing anything about you. It could be as simple as the topic doesn't [00:26:00] align. Yeah, and I think it's the also the yes, sometimes people are feeling that they're not good enough for doing something and right, the fear of failure.

But I think the more we're out there, the more I've put myself out there, the more I've met people who I Put in the spotlight too. It's like, oh my God. These are normal people that honestly don't know what they're doing. Either. Those people that we like, wanna model our mentors, they're, they're also just showing up just like we are.

They're just like putting themselves out there more, but it's not like they know any better than you do. So. just go for it. If that's self worth, that deserving. I think that's across the spectrum at every level and every person. And whenever I have that thought, 'cause it comes to me, , I just, I think of my children, when they were babies, they couldn't do anything.

They couldn't feed, they couldn't roll over, they couldn't bladder control, they couldn't sleep. I had to do everything for them. Were they [00:27:00] unworthy? Like, no baby, you suck, you don't deserve this, you don't contribute to the household. It's like, they didn't even giggle for the first month or whatever, they literally just screamed and pooped.

But they were worthy. Everyone loves babies. You were born that baby. When do we get to the stage where we, I need to earn it, I need to prove it, I need to show my worth? Yeah, exactly.

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So if you're ready to transfer tummy time from struggle to a wonderful bonding experience for you and your infant, just click on the link in the show notes and start [00:28:00] mastering tummy time today, and now back to our episode.

Now. If the listeners can do one step towards this being more confident about saying no or yes, depending on which way they want to go, what do you want them to start doing today?

It sounds simple, but it's not simplistic. It's like getting clear on what it is you actually want to say no and yes to. Because so many people, the reason that we say yes. is that we don't pause to ask, or we don't identify what it is that we actually want. But it's easiest for what we don't want.

So, , anyone listening, if it's safe to do so, if you're not driving, grab out pen and paper, notes on your phone and whatever, make a list of all the things that you don't want to do anymore. I don't want to bake cookies for my kid's sale. I don't want to sell chocolates at fundraiser time. I don't want to go to Tupperware parties.

Like, literally, make a list. You don't have to share this with anyone. You don't have to, like, wear it on a shirt and say, it will go and, like, you know. But what are the things that you don't want to [00:29:00] do? And some of them might be actually quite easy to implement and like, pick one of those things and see if you can act on it.

So for an example, since COVID, the gift of COVID for us, there's been a lot of downsides, but the gift is my husband works from home now. But we kept doing things the way we'd always done because we just did. And one day it occurred to me, I was like, Why can't he either do drop off or pick up? Like, he works from home too.

So anyway, long story short, because he's traditionally employed, I'm an entrepreneur, but I said to him, can you ask your boss if you can shift your morning tea break back earlier, because he does quite start early, so you can do school drop off? Because at the time of recording this, I've got both kids in primary school, next year's gonna be a different story, and it's five minutes from my house.

Anyway, all this to say, he asked, they said, yeah, no worries, now he drops the kids to school. Because for him, I don't know for anyone else, but my kids, they have like separation anxiety, and sometimes them leaving me is a whole drama. But for my husband, they'll just hop out of the car on the carpool line and go on their merry way.

That one request, which takes [00:30:00] him, ten minutes return, five minutes to drive, five minutes back, saves me over an hour every day. So, like, one of my things was I didn't want to do school drop offs. But if I hadn't made the list and looked at it, and there'll be some things that you look at and you'll think, there's no way, like, I have to do this, but, but says who?

Like, honestly, I don't even cook anymore. I'm capable, I'm competent, but my husband is actually a better cook than me. And now he started traveling a lot for work. And it's funny, my kids are older, they don't remember a time when he didn't cook because anyway, all this to say, he went away and they're like, what are we going to eat?

It's And I'm like, you do know I can cook, I just choose not to. But you know, there's so many things in my life now that over time I forget that I just did them because I always did. But like, what are the things that you don't want to do? I do not sell fundraiser chocolates for the school. Because what happens is they come home, there's 50 of them, they're 4 a box.

I spend 200 bucks and get all these calories we don't need. So I'm like, what does the school want? They want to raise money. Here's 20. Cause you only make like [00:31:00] 50 cents a packet anyway. It's cut out the middleman. Everyone's happy. Saves me 180 and a bunch of calories and it's kids on a sugar high. And it saves the school gets what they want.

So like, what are the things that could be the littlest things? It could be big things, but if you don't know what you want, then you're not going to be able to create it. Totally. I love that.

Where can the listeners find you? Best place to find me is my website. It's Suzanne culberg.com and I have, if you go there. You'll be amused. Very first thing you'll see on the top banner is something that says start here, and that's the everything page

and it has everything from free to paid, everything that I offer. Uh, things that I do starting from like nine dollars Australian, that's paid up to my biggest packages. But I also have a button that says don't click. So for my rebels in the house, it's, it's my contact page. If you want to chat to me, Best place is my contact page, but I put don't click to make people actually click on it.

It's the funnest contact page that you will find. And it's very filtering, so you'll know straight up whether or not you want to talk to me by, by the options. So that's the best place to find me. Perfect. And we'll have that in the show notes [00:32:00] too, so people can click on that and they can click on it. Not a don't click, they can click on it.

and find you. So that's great. So thank you so much for coming on the show. This was so much fun. I just love the different perspective you actually put to saying no and just looking at kind of that flip side. How does it feel being on the other end if someone's doing all that work thinking you're coming when you are just going to make an excuse later and you knew all the time that you were not going to show up.

So I think that's perfect. Thank you.

I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. Thank you, Suzanne, for teaching us how to say no, but also how to say yes to the things that we do want to participate in. And if you're looking to find Suzanne and all the things she offers, just click on the link in the show notes, and until next week, let's keep carving out time Figuring out what it is. We do want so that when we are asked Do we want to do it?

We know it's a yes or a no and we don't need to make excuses. [00:33:00] We can be honest and we can just use communication so that we can tell people what we do really need and want. And make sure you tune in next week where we'll drop another amazing episode next Tuesday.