Breaking Free from Stuckness with Dr. Michelle Maidenberg

To the Real Life Momz podcast. It is time to take a break from all our to do's and carve out some time to focus on ourselves. I'm Lisa Foster, your host. And today I'm joined by fellow mom, psychologist, author, speaker, and educator, Dr. Michelle Maidenberg. And she is here to help us break free from feeling stuck and unleash our best selves so we can live the life we want.

Hi, Michelle. Welcome to the Real Life Moms podcast. Hi, thanks for having me on. I really appreciate it. We were just discussing before we jumped on it, we can all relate to feeling stuck. I mean, I feel like sometimes I'm on this like hamster wheel that just keeps going around and I'm not really going anywhere.

So I'm assuming that's stuck. However, , as you know, moms and parents, we are being pulled in multiple directions all the time that I do think some of us don't even know we are. stuck. So let's just start with the feeling of stuck and how do we even recognize it when we [00:01:00] are just running and on this hamster wheel.

Yeah. And it's so interesting. Cause I do a lot of podcasts. Nobody has ever asked me that. Oh, I love when I get a question that no one has ever asked people just right into like, how do I get unstuck? But they don't say what is stuckness? So yeah, like No one has ever asked me that. So, which is such a good question, because I think, I think what you're saying is so so true and the point that you're making is we're like rarely in the present moment, we're so distracted, and we're so consumed.

That we don't even have time sometimes to just sit and think about like, how am I? Like, how am I thinking? How am I feeling? And sometimes it's so interesting because people go through whatever adversity they're going through. And sometimes they'll be talking about, let's say they're caretaking, right?

Because we're caretakers, we're parents. And I'll say, how are you? And they'll like burst into tears. Because like, they're like, Oh, nobody ever asks me [00:02:00] that. What? Like, it's almost a shock to the system that I'm asking them how they are. Yeah. It sent me into panic attacks sometimes when someone's like, how are you?

Or what do you want? I'm like, ah, I don't know. So yes, I totally resonate with that. So we don't take time. And this is why I really talk about how important it is to have moments of quiet and have moments of meditative practice and contemplation and all of those things. And it doesn't have to be long periods of time.

It could be a moment literally, because , I know for myself, the moment that I have time, whether I'm on like the bike or meditating or whatever, that's when all my creativity, my thoughts. , they get evoked, like those are the moments, not when I'm doing things, never when I'm doing things.

So anyway, stuckness, , I think it varies from person to person, you know, I think for some of us it's behavioral, , it could be where we're just, finding that we want to, you know, behave a certain way and we either. can't, like maybe engaging in behaviors we don't want to [00:03:00] engage in, or we want behaviors that we're having a hard time habituating, could go both ways.

So I think that that could be problematic. And I think it could trickle out in all areas of our lives. It could be in our parenting. It could be in our relationship. It could be in our career. It could be whatever, and I think that we do have visceral responses to the stuckness. So what I mean by that is we don't even realize how our body speaks to us.

And last week it just so happens I had like a little bit of a cold, which is a little residual effect of it. And I was like, my body's telling me slow down, lady, you know, whether you like it or not. Like sometimes our bodies, whether we like it or not, they're like, you got to slow down. And if you're not going to listen to me, I'm going to, I'm going to let you know loud and clear what I need from you.

And that's what happens. So even sometimes if we take a moment, we'll all of a sudden notice that we have like tightness in our chest or we like, sometimes I'll be sitting and I'll notice I'm clenching my fists [00:04:00] and I'll be like, what is that? We really, really have stress in our bodies. , and we know this too, that when you don't take care of that, it can wreak havoc.

I mean, people have chronic conditions because of stress. So it affects us in so many different ways, you know, again, somatically, physiologically, emotionally, and it trickles over behaviorally and otherwise. So if we pay attention, that's the point I'm making, if we notice, we pay attention, we could recognize how we really feel about how we're living our lives.

Yeah, and I think the key takeaway right there is like honestly taking a moment like it's stopping so that we can see how we are physically feeling and also kind of recognize yeah what's going on around us because if we just keep going we're just We're just in it. We're just in it. And some questions you could ask yourself, right?

Is, what am I thinking? What's in my mind? What thoughts are kind of fluttering through my mind? How am I feeling? Am I feeling more on like the [00:05:00] spectrum of like sadness, you know, my feeling more like activated and anger and aggression, because again, there's a lot of spectrums of emotions.

You know, am I feeling kind of content and joyful, , what's going on? And then also like, how am I feeling my body? And you could do literally a one minute body scan, really from the top of your head, going all the way down to your toes. And that gives you a sense. And even if you did that one time a day, check in with yourself.

It is also an action that you take like leaning into your worthiness. Like I am worth taking the time to notice. So there's all different ways we communicate to ourselves about our worthiness and our confidence And taking those little actions helps you to lean into that and build and fortify that part Yeah, I love that.

I love and I love the body skin. I love to do that I do that in the morning and it's amazing actually what I find so that's That's just a great recommendation. So I think some of us probably are listening and going [00:06:00] like, do I even want to know that I'm stuck? Do you know what I'm saying? Because we're getting like, that takes work.

Then if we find it to find the little piece, now we have to, we don't have to, but we're going to want to work on it. So of course that brings me to you and your, you have an ACE method and you've written a book called Ace Your Life.

And yeah, so now like the question is, what do we do with this information? So the way that I structure it, because I think that's really important. So people understand what that is. You know, we want quick fixes. You know, right. Yeah. Even with our kids like we want quick fixes, right?

We look towards other people, or other things, or other methods, or other whatever, right, to heal us, and the magic is always within us. Healing's an inside job. It doesn't happen outside of us. And unfortunately there's no quick fixes. Okay. Because even with habit [00:07:00] training, okay. And there's been like in the past year, I don't, you know, if you're kind of familiar, there's like five, six new books on habits.

And I've read them. They're wonderful, by the way. But what I find that I could be critical of, is that we learn how to change behavior. Right. There's so many resources out there, but we don't know how to maintain behavior.

That is part of the issue that I find. Yes. Yes. That is so key. So key because you're right. Like we, there's so much resources on, habit stacking and all these things, but yeah, but not maintaining. And it all comes from within us and building literally from the ground up, building our confidence and our self efficacy and our self love and our self compassion.

That's where the magic is, and we see that with kids, right? Like we used to think tough love was the way to discipline kids. And what did we see that when people have broken confidence, they don't perform it's when people feel empowered. That's when they perform that's, [00:08:00] that's what this is. It's building yourself up from your core so that you actually feel like you could make change from within.

And I always say that all the beauties within us, it's just smokescreens. There is a barrier. So the way we get through the barrier, so, how I structured it is, I really feel like it's. It's very critical for people to know about their brain, about the neurophysiology of their brain and our neurocognition.

And we, as much as we think we know, we don't know. We don't know. So I spent a whole chapter on that. And again, it's geared towards people who are a little bit more sophisticated and want the research and you know, all that. And then it also explains it in a very, very user friendly way as well. For people who obviously, want a little bit less You know, kind of medical jargon.

And then I give very specific exercises and examples, , from my personal life, from my practice, from people I've worked with. And then at the end, I always end every chapter with a guided meditation, a QR code with a guided [00:09:00] meditation to help integrate the information. That's like kind of my signature.

Cause I, I really feel like that's so important and critical. So that's the first chapter. The second chapter talks about our values. Okay. So a lot of the work that I do is around our values and what I love and is so incredible is people use the lingo and I get so excited, and I had literally in the past two days, I was just talking to my friend.

I had like these amazing breakthroughs with two people I'm working with. Where, like, you get that there is a barrier there, there's an adaptation and coping skills that get built over time because of our childhood and our whatever. And they're so strong. It's like an iron fence, like it's a gate that does not, right.

And there's benefit we get out of it when we don't want to let go of that behavior. Right. And over time, right? They finally are trusting of me enough. They're finally learning about themselves. They're finally tapping into their confidence. And now they're ready to be vulnerable, like really [00:10:00] vulnerable.

And it's been like, wow, you know, like, ah, so, the second chapter that only comes from where we really, really are grounded in our values. It's a guide to action. It's unconditional. And we always, in terms of our decision making, it's pivotal. There's no other way to be. And you don't have to look outside of yourself if you have your grounded in your values.

And I talk about, you know, again, the utility of our values, the benefit of our values, and we do value exercises so that you actually hone in on your kind of core values. And then we go into acceptance, which is ACE's acceptance, compassion, and empowerment.

And, we go into the first part of the chapters are barriers. What gets in the way of us cultivating this? And it could be sociocultural, it could be familial, it could be, there's a thousand and one things that we're contending with. I can't even tell you. And when you read it, you're like shocked.

Because it's like, [00:11:00] oh my goodness, look what I'm up against. You know, right. Um, and then, and then it discusses how, what is it, what do we need to do? How do we need to integrate it? And it's true for acceptance, compassion, and empowerment. The part that I talked about in terms of maintenance is the empowerment part.

It's not, it's not only about changing behavior, it's about maintaining it. And I spent a lot of time talking about that, , and I kind of make a differentiation between a slip and a fall, because we could, slip because we are all human and we're all imperfect.

I slipped too. There's a big difference between slipping for three days and there's, and slipping for three months. So it's, it's how to help you with that and really fortifying that for yourself so that no matter what comes your way, literally, no matter what stuckness, and by the way. From when we're a young mother, let's say till we're whatever, we're always evolving and changing because we're maturing our children are maturing,

I mean, look at the world we live in today. Very different when I grew up, [00:12:00] let me tell you, very different. Dramatically different. , I just got off actually a session with a high school, like, you know, senior who had a bomb threat in her school today, I didn't have to deal with that when I was growing up. Gosh, like, no, so we're always through the years, like we're always changing, growing, evolving.

So we don't know what stuckness is going to come up for us. It's, it always changes. My stuckness now is different than it was 10 years ago. And it was different 10 years before that. And it will be 10 years, like in the future, it will be different. So this is a roadmap that could get you through any stuckness, no matter what comes up.

I love that because, yeah, exactly. It's like, just because you , Navigate one obstacle, though there's always going to be another one, right? So yeah, I think it's great to have something that you can just keep going back to. And I love the core values because you're right. If you really know kind of who you are, what those core values are.

It's [00:13:00] they're kind of easier decisions when something kind of crosses your path, because if it doesn't align with you, you're like, no, thank you. And it's an easy no. Well, the biggest, the biggest kind of challenge that comes up for most people, which again, if you don't know the method, you wouldn't know that this is happening, but is, is actually, um, competing values.

Tell us about that. What is competing? So, we don't have issues when we're deciding between vanilla and chocolate ice cream. No, right. But when we have two values rubbing up against each other. That's when decision making is really hard and that is what typically happens.

So for example, parenting, if you're working, right, I'm a working mom, I'm constantly navigating between having kind of career obligations and responsibilities and child ones, right? All the time. Yep. Now, both of them are my core values. That's why I'm left with what I do, guilt, maybe shame, maybe whatever.

[00:14:00] Yeah. That's not easy. And then I get all kind of spirally because I go, Oh gosh, if I'm deciding to do something for work, that means my parenting is not so important to me. And I'm like a horrible parent and then guilt. Right. But this is the difference. I could see to myself. I am so, so happy and pleased that I feel so guilty right now, yay me, because parenting is so important to me.

And if I didn't feel guilty now, I would be concerned about myself. So good for me. Yeah. I am a proud, I'm a good mom, good for me. And just because in this moment, I have to decide to do this. career work responsibility doesn't mean, right, that I'm a bad mother. It just means that in this moment, in this circumstance, I have to choose this value over this one.

That's so interesting because guilt is one is definitely I think hits a lot of parents myself. And it's funny [00:15:00] because right now , I'm actually working through breaking the habits of you. I don't know, did the Joe Dispenza, um, work, which if anyone knows that out there, and one of the things is like you identify.

And so mine, I'm actually literally working on guilt right now. , And it's actually to break it and not feel guilty. So it's interesting and almost comforting. Not to not feel guilty. See, I would argue with that. No, I love, I love this different perspective,

but it's interesting because Yeah, it's instead of just like breaking that guilt or feeling that guilt, it's, it's almost like celebrating like, great, I feel guilty. It's not like, it doesn't have to be a negative feeling and I can still be, there for work and my child and feel good about it. But I'm just choosing things at different times, choosing a different core value at a different time, depending on what's important in that.

moment, I guess going back to the moment people, right? Like that always is the key. So, and here's [00:16:00] where the emotion comes in. Okay. So I'm going to use what you said. Cause it's an important one. Yeah. So where the emotion comes in is yeah. You know what? And the problem also is with guilt, particularly that emotion guilt typically leads to shame.

Yeah, if it just stayed as guilt, then it's a life lesson when it starts to trickle into shame, right? It's the difference between that. That's when it starts affecting your confidence. And that's when it's problematic, right? So there's a difference between saying, I did bad and I am bad. Yeah. That's shame.

Yeah. I am bad. Yeah. So there's a big difference, but the beauty of it, and this is where it's so helpful about understanding your values is that you don't throw the baby out with the bath water. You say to yourself, both are so intrinsically important to me. So I have to decide primarily to focus on the career one, [00:17:00] but how am I going to also pay homage respectfully to the child one?

But what we do psychologically, this happens is we become so shameful and guilt ridden that we become avoidant. And we become almost in some way phobic of the negative emotion. So we almost like push that away and we just focus on that. And it's because we don't want to avoid the negative emotion.

So what I always say is we want to lean into it, right? So we could say to ourselves, if you're kind of coming in this empowered way and say like, Okay. Well, it kind of sucks that I can't do this with my kid, right? But what can I do about that to lean into my value of parenting in this moment, right?

Whether it's, sitting down and having a conversation with your kid, right? And saying like, this really sucks. It sucks for me too, , and I'm very disappointed, and I'm disappointed for disappointing you, and , it makes me feel like I'm a crappy mom, , So I, I, although I can't be there, what can I do so that you feel that I'm [00:18:00] included somehow, some way, what would that look like videotaping, whatever, going out to lunch and then like sitting, having like a riveting conversation about what happened. And I want to hear every detail, you know, or whatever.

I mean, it could be whatever. But we lose sight of that because we become so avoidant. That's part of the issue. Because that guilt turned into shame. So we don't want it. It's more than that. It's never trying to get rid of any emotion. It's never trying to talk yourself out of anything. Everything's beneficial. That's the whole point is you, it's, it's a different mindset about kind of our emotions and it's a different mindset about ourselves and how we function.

Yeah. And that's like the acceptance, right? Um, yes. Yeah. So you talked about like in your book, you do a lot of activities and exercises.

Are there specific exercises that you think are really great that people should start implementing., there are so many exercises, you know, [00:19:00] I could just kind of, like, you know, about around self acceptance or self love.

Um, I even list, like, I came up with, you know, how like, um, songs. Like music, they are usually about relationships and about our relationship to other people. There are very, very few songs that talk about self love very few. So I gave a list cause I've actually found some, , that I thought were like kind of fun and I listed them.

And, part of the exercise is to sit and to close your eyes, and to like, listen to these. Kind of the lyrics and to really feel the feelings and to kind of tap into and connect to right yourself love. Now, believe it or not, when we first do these exercises, they're very uncomfortable.

Most people tell me that it's even when I, when I'm here sitting with somebody and happened today actually I was sitting with somebody, and I said to them, I said, you know what you said to me was [00:20:00] really touching. And so much so that I had a really deep emotional reaction to it. And I almost felt like I wanted to well up in tears.

You really moved me. And you could tell they got so uncomfortable, yeah, because it's so intimate, right? And it's so vulnerable. And I was, I was giving of myself and I was connecting to them and I wanted to them to let them know how important they were to me and how meaningful right what they say means to me.

It's hard for us to really look at ourselves. It's hard for us to really appreciate ourselves. It's hard for us. To notice, right. It is like, even looking in the mirror, this is another activity, for example. And again, there's different exercise around each component. So I'm just, I just picking up the self compassion one, but, but I have people look into a mirror, when we look into a mirror, we don't look at ourselves, we see like, how's her hair looking, whatever.

Right. But we don't look at ourselves, but [00:21:00] even take this moment and just look in your eyes in the mirror. It feels so strange. It's evasive. but like, you could really feel when you look into your own eyes, you see your humanity. You see a person and gosh, you could really connect to that self compassion in a way that you can't otherwise,

so there's all these things that we could do,

because we haven't really. integrated these skills, you can't just integrate them in one, swoop. It doesn't work that way. It's like, we have to expose ourselves very slowly and very informantly and get ourselves used to it. And that's true for anything,

but those are great. And I'm thinking of even just when you look in the mirror, I mean, especially as a parent, it's like, I'm rushing, like, I'm just like, is there anything in my teeth or hair? Let's go, you know, like, I'm not really even looking, but I'm kind of feeling like going back to the statement you made earlier about like, you know, like we have everything we need.

Within ourselves, we have like, it's all the answers, all the good stuff, everything is [00:22:00] already there. And I'm almost thinking like, by looking in that mirror, how, first of all, how do we get past that? Like, how's my hair? Right? How's my, how's all that stuff? Is there anything in my teeth? To actually like, maybe even just look through to that inner self and really embrace That goodness.

Yeah. It's all the in the intentionality. That's all it is. It's noticing. So acceptance is not about accepting mediocrity. It's not like, Oh, this is who I am and I just have to accept who I am. That's not what I'm talking about. No, it's in the noticing. It's taking the moments to notice. That's who you are,

and I'm hearing celebrate too, like to notice, but also celebrate it. We only celebrate when we actually are proud of who we are. I say this and I say this like with conviction, if I died tomorrow, hopefully not. But if I died tomorrow, [00:23:00] yeah, I literally would die with a smile on my face. And I mean that

and again, I'm not perfect by any means in any way, but I do, I really, with intention, with intentionality, try to live my life in a meaningful way. And I really do. I am so clear what my values are and I am so clear and I take the time literally because let's say thoughtfulness is a very core value of mine.

Okay. When I do a thoughtful act, It could be this small. Okay. It could be opening the door for somebody saying a bless you. I actually take note of it. I literally do. I said, I just opened the door for that person. I could have rushed through the door. Cause I have to get to my office and I have an appointment and like, I could have left it for the person behind me, I chose to do it.

I proactively did it, and I'm proud of that. And I do a values review every single day at the end of my day. And I think about [00:24:00] what values did I lean into, what values did I lean out out of? And again, not I'm a bad. Whatever, but like, what do I need to lean into more tomorrow?

What's that going to look like? And I love that you kind of like told yourself, like I did a good thing, tap myself on the back, you know, cause that is a value and I should notice that they even did it. But I, but I, I think a lot of us don't, we don't notice those little things that, that we do every day for anyone or for herself.

And we just, they just kind of like, you know, just get washed by. So I love that. Checking in, going back to the scanning and checking in with yourself and that values list. And yeah, I think that's so great to do that recheck at the end of the day. Like, what can I celebrate that I did that really, yeah, meant a lot to me and others.

I'm not celebrating something that doesn't exist. That's the whole point. Like, like if somebody tell if, if you said to me, Oh, Michelle, you're not so thoughtful. Would be [00:25:00] like, sad that you said that to me, cause you're another human being saying that to me. So that would hurt me because you know, whatever, but I would not stress over whether I'm thoughtful or not.

It wouldn't even be a question in my mind. I'd be like, okay, that's your opinion. And that's it. Cause I know who I am because I actually take actions on behalf of that. I'm not convincing myself of anything. It's just a fact because I put time, energy and effort into it. And that's what real confidence is.

It's not talk. It's not looking in the mirror and saying, I am so beautiful. I am so beautiful. You know, no. And again, if you go social media, right. It's like, you know, if you, if you tell that enough to yourself, you'll start believing it. It's doing. It's in the doing. It's not, we could talk to ourselves from today until tomorrow.

The only way that it's actually going to integrate is if we do. It's in the doing. Yeah. And that's [00:26:00] why we can't, our thoughts and feelings are in some ways inconsequential. They give us a lot of good information. They allow us to connect to others, whatever, but we can't really hold them as reliable sources leading our actions.

We can't because sometimes they're inaccurate. Sometimes they're overgeneralized. Sometimes they're catastrophizing. Sometimes they're based on our history based on a thousand and one different things. So in the doing effort here, so what is one thing that you want all the listeners to start doing this moment?

Gosh. I think it's hard sometimes for us to really face ourselves. And for good reason, for good reason, and it's not our fault, because it's painful. Sometimes it's really painful to admit or to kind of face that we're not, let's, let's say the best, you know, the kind of parent we want to be, or we're not putting as much effort into our relationship or we're not putting enough effort into our health.

Or whatever it is. We all struggle [00:27:00] with something. It's like, who's, no one's unscathed. No one is unscathed. Literally. So, to really, really kind of face yourself in a loving, caring way. That is the most, like, that's what I would say to start there. Just start there. And if you can't do it yourself, then seek assistance and help for it.

That's what I do. That's what I help people with. And we really kind of talk about it, but in a loving, caring, connected way.

Yeah. Yeah. So where can the listeners find you and tell us what you have to offer?

So I, I do couple of things. Um, one is, so this is my book. It's called Ace Your Life, Unleash Your Best Self and Live the Life You Want. Um, and it has all the exercises that we were talking about in it. Um, and again, it's, I also did an audio book. For people who don't like to read, and I, I actually narrated it myself. So I was really excited about that. Yeah. I narrated it myself. I do, however, again, depending financially, if it's affordable or whatever the case is. [00:28:00] to get the book because there is lines to write, you know, the exercises.

So unfortunately with an audio book, you don't get an opportunity. I know when I do audio books and it requires exercises, I buy the book too. And then I'll kind of write in the book. And also the book, one thing that I think is helpful for people is what I find even in for myself, I sometimes get stuck in certain areas.

And sometimes it's so helpful to just kind of reread a chapter or to like dive back into something that I feel like I need a little tweaking, you know? So that's one. Second is I do guided meditations every Thursday at 11am. I published a new one on YouTube that came out this morning., so that's something that you could just, you know, Subscribe to my channel.

And also I'm a psychology today blogger. So I do blog and , I do, publish articles at least once a month and they're always on different topics. It just so happens. I published one this week. It was, it's 15 ways to enhance your confidence. Yeah, on psychology today. So they're always, they're, you know, kind of self [00:29:00] help, advocacy, because I really believe in advocacy.

. And my website has all information. It has my blogs. It has information about the books.

There's where your stuckness is. Yeah, so it's, it is important to, to understand what category your stuckness kind of falls in.

That's what the quiz helps with. So yeah, you could get that on my website. Yeah. So yeah, and you also do something I do want to point out because it's really beautiful and goes with your giving mentality, um, is that you do that non profit, um, yeah, can you talk about that a little bit too?

Thank you for mentioning it. So it's called Through My Eyes, THRU. Right now, I have to say this, I'm trying to restructure. I was offering it locally and on a smaller scale and I really want to expand it. It's, it's like, it's so critical to me. I've done over 300 videotapes and I'll explain what it is. And it is such an important service, but I need help.

I [00:30:00] need help. I'm looking literally for, I have no ego in it. Literally. I am so willing to like partner. Whatever. Um, and I know what it takes to get it to where I want to be. I really wanted to be a national project. Um, so it offers free clinically guided videotaping for chronically medically ill individuals who want to leave a video legacy for their Children and loved ones.

So, um, yeah, it's a video legacy and we offer it for free, you know, in the privacy of wherever somebody wants to do it. And I came up, I customize, uh, it's basically, I came up with 200 questions and I customize the questionnaire based on the person's like needs and wants. That's beautiful. I love that. So yeah.

So if anyone can help you reach out, but we're going to have all this information in the show notes. So feel free to just kind of click on those links and get in touch with you. Thank you. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me on. It was so nice meeting you.

Thank you for [00:31:00] taking a break from all your to do's to listen to this episode. Make sure you check out the show notes so that you can grab the, those links to Michelle's website and everything she offers.

And definitely take that quiz and see where you might be stuck. She offers so many tools and resources that you can use.

, And until next week, let's start implementing some of these things we've learned today. We can start by just getting quiet, doing that one minute body scan and see how we're feeling. We can start celebrating some of those things that we do every day that are part of our core values, that we are putting out there to the world that we should be celebrating and be proud of that we're doing

And so that we can feel unstuck and really ace our life.